Totti Tuesday: ‘Gangnam Style, Texas Chainsaw & Jack Bauer’

Paolo Bruno

Bologna revised. Whoever read my Totti Tuesday of two weeks ago regarding possible future names of the stadium: I think the name ‘don’t worry if you are 2-0 behind, you’ll win here eventually’ should be considered by the management after last weekend.

Actually, scratch that name. A better one would be Stadio Roma succederò (for non-Italian speakers: Roma will happen). Meaning anything is possible with this current Roma. From losing a 2-0 advantage in three minutes, playing worthy Zemanlandia football for a full ninety and having ten players sent off at the same time to a plane crashing into the field, Thomas DiBenedetto doing the Gangnam Style at the centre circle, Berlusconi having a threesome with Lana Del Rey and Nicki Minaj behind Stek’s goalpost or Adriano playing in giallorosso.... No wait that last one actually happened!


Unearthly Udinese


Right now, Roma has the best offense along with Juve AND the worst defense along with Chievo. What… the… frack? I knew scoring under Zeman was never going to be a problem and his defenses tend to ‘crease’ a bit (being very mild here) but the worst defense after only nine games played? While we still have to play Napoli, Lazio, Fiorentina and Milan (ok Milan was/is a joke)?


Our defense was revamped in summer and it was necessary but Sunday was special to say the least. The average age against Udinese was 21.5 years and all played in Brazil five months ago. Could be a reason but also the midfield was to blame. Aka it was nonexistent for most of the times. And I’m looking at ‘lumberjack’ Daniele (not that long otherwise he’ll grab his saw and go all Texas Chainsaw Massacre on me). Sunday he wasn’t the patron of the midfield as we all expected him to be. I’ll go even further and say that this season’s Daniele is just a shadow of himself and is playing one of his worst Roma seasons. Seriously, where’s the De Rossi of 2006, 2008 or 2010? Signing Zeman was going to be huge for not only Totti but also Daniele. After LE we all thought this season would finally see Il Capitano Futuro at his best under Zeman but up ‘till now, it has been quite meager and disappointing.


Ps: Seriously, what’s the deal with Roma and penalties? Can anyone for the love of God rememeber the last time a Roma GK saved one? Please say so in the comments below. My guess? 1964, the swinging sixties yeah baby.

Awards


The Osvaldo award: Tachtsidis. For getting red, duh.


The 5-year old child in a big mall award
: Daniele De Rossi. Because he’s lost. And he needs his mommy to bring him into his senses(cue Zeman)


The future is tomorrow


There is still time tough and Roma still occupy sixth place which is not that bad but CL is now 7 points ahead. If there was ever a time to kick into gear, then this is it. 30 minutes of Zemanlandia is not enough, as Queen once sang: I want it all.
This is not a bad team (as Udine’s first 30 minutes show). In fact, this is a great team. Or better said: they WANT to be a great team. But somehow, they once again fall into a situation they encountered too many times: self-reflection. Two questions Zeman needs to ask himself. What went wrong and how can we fix it? I don’t know the answer of both of them, let’s hope Il Boemo does by the time Parma comes around… ow and FYI that’s tomorrow. Zdenek better go full ‘Jack Bauer’ and find a solution in 24 hours time.

Notes


• This is my 30th Totti Tuesday. I love facts. Do you love facts? Bitches love facts.

• Bugs Bunny Lopez considering a move away from Roma. Can’t blame him. He oozes talent but needs to be patient too. I must admit I thought Zeman would use him more, he has done nothing wrong. Quite the opposite, he even scored more than Destro. A loan seems appropriate (same for Tallo) but only if we find a replacement in January. Hi there Rossi.



“In football you must achieve numerical results, but also entertain the people who come to see us. Talent counts for a great deal in football, but without it you can still go forward. Someone who treats the ball well is called an artist, but 11 artists might not necessarily beat 11 artisans. There has to be a mix of the two categories.” – Zeman, 2012

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