Totti Tuesday: ‘Super Saiyan, strawberry milkshake & getting laid’

Dino Panato

Well I’ve heard from Gorillas in the Mist but Donkeys in the Mist? If you’ve missed Chievo, no need to worry as the game is summed up pretty easily: second half Roma showed up again, conceded on a counter in the dying minutes by another mediocre Italian player who thinks he’s the brother of Maradonna when facing Roma, DDR was benched and Osvaldo missed sitters. Ow and Roma failed to score for the first time this season while Chievo ended our five wins in a row and both Fiorentina and Lazio are now four and five points clear respectively. There, happy now?


The fog clearly was a signal that this game wouldn’t win any beauty contests at the end of the season (just like Destro’s beard and Zeman’s Colgate smile) but that wasn’t the only reason. Roma was rather poor, especially their second half. Lots of bad passes and ball losses in midfield and very little confidence. A very ‘Mr Hyde-Roma’ compared to Atalanta or Fiorentina. Chievo’s goal in the end (Pellissier) had an offside-smell to it but as an old wise yet cranky man (cough Dhaw cough) once said to me: Zdenek Zeman doesn’t do 0-0. It was bound to happen nonetheless. One point or zero points it doesn’t make that much of a difference. CL is surprisingly still within reach because Inter and Napoli lost so top 3 is only four points away while there are still 20+ games to play. Roma has done worse but still, a win would’be kept the momentum going and losing our scoring record (Roma managed at least one goal in every Serie A game in ‘12-‘13) tastes sour as well.

And to make it all worse: Castan got yellow and is suspended for Milan next week. Marquinhos suffered an injury too at the end but would be fit in time. So that sets up a Burdisso – limping kid vs El Sharaawy - Robinho duel. Or Zeman would turn into YOLO-level: Super Saiyan and throws in Romagnoli at CB.
Anyways, it’s back to the drawing board for Zeman because Milan, who are getting freakily close to us in the standings, are coming to town. It’s time for big-game-Roma to step up, maybe this is what the guys boys children todlers needed just like against Fiorentina or Inter in September.


The Michael Jordan award: Goicoechea. The technique of his fast and long throws make Kobe, Howard, Gasol and Wade all piss their pants and ask for a strawberry milkshake while riding the ‘It’s a small world after all’-attraction at Disneyland.

The lovechild of Mancini-Cassano award: Pjanic. Ever since Zeman put Miralem up front, he has blossomed. I still don’t understand why Il Boemo subbed him out after only 65’ but I guess it was due to fitness. With his action ratio and creativeness out wide he now reminds me a bit of those two former Giallorossi. If only he scored a little easier (five goals in 40+ Serie A matches since he joined us).

The Flubber award: Osvaldo. I can accept that he misses easy chances, as long as he scores one in the end. Sunday however, he did not and it became painfully clear after the 65’-70’ mark that every minute Ozzy was on the field, was one minute too long. The conditions (field, fog, Sorrentino releasing his inner Buffon) weren’t optimal but sooner or later, Roma’s gonna pay if they keep playing Osvaldo regularly while Destro’s on the bench. He’s a good player and works hard but a) he always need a lot of chances before he actually scores and b) a walking red card liability as well. Put a and b together and ‘nuff is said.

Facts of the week

- Last week I briefly mentioned Pokémon. If Chievo’s coach Corini, Spalletti and Bradley somehow end up in a threesome, they could be mistaken for a Dugtrio.

- Chievo was Zeman’s 100th Serie A defeat according to Yaaaay, celebration time right? Right? Moving on ladies, nothing to see here.

- All of Fiorentina's four goals against Siena were made by ex-Giallorossi (2x Toni, Piza and Aquaman). They could have at least sent us a post card, heartless basterds.

Milan musings

Bearing my Osvaldo comment in mind, a front three of Totti-Destro-Pjanic might do the trick. Or insert Lamela and push Pjanic back in midfield although that would be a shame since Miralem’s been doing good these weeks. “With Pjanic in the trident we are more balanced, as he helps out in midfield”, Zdenek the mechanic said. With Castan out and ‘Hos still uncertain, we can scratch the defensive duties against Milan and just… well go YOLO once again. Score, outscore, run, score, concede but don’t give a fuck, score another, you get the point (or let’s hope there are three). So I’ll see you next wee…. Wow there, now wait a minute, I almost fooled myself. There’s no Roma-Milan! 21/12 is our last day on earth so I guess this is the very last Totti Tuesday ever, shame I was just getting the hang of it!

(In all seriousness, get drunk, get nude, get laid, release your inner Borriello on Friday, party like it’s 1999)

“If I say anything, I’ll get suspended.” – Francesco Totti, 2012 right after the Chievo match

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