Totti Tuesday (X-mas edition): ‘Tissues, Ibiza & creamy pants’

Paolo Bruno

Admit it. C’mon, just admit it. You were banking your house, your mother and/or girlfriend’s jewelries and your very own private collection of stamps/Pokémon cards/exclusive PS3 games/delicious fruit flavor condoms on a 4-5 win for Milan after minute 88. And you should not feel guilty about that, I did it as well (except the condoms part, gotta keep it save).

Why? Because Zemanlandia doesn’t do clean sheets and demands goals and drama. I even feel Zeman rather wants to win 4-3 than 4-0. Even though the man smokes five packs a day and finances the world of tobacco by himself, he has a strong heart and 0% chance of cardiac arrest during a game. That’s how Zdenek rolls. We, Giallorossi, on the other hand, were calling for a napkin, tissues and defribillators after Bojan’s goal.

Mocking Milan


First half was maybe the best Roma we have witnessed seen this season, nay in 2012. Milan was simply torn to shreds.Three goals from three special players. The comeback of El Bandido amid rumors of him leaving in January, a goal from someone who has a statue of Mick Jager in his house and is more insane than Jim Carrey and Ozzy Osborne combined (you can find the prove at the end of my post), and finally The Apple who reacted in a magical way after his shaking off his injury. It was a sight to behold and a repeat of the 5-0 of 1998 (also under Zeman) was not a dream anymore. It was damn possible. Even more so when Lamela made it 4-0 around the hour mark.


Admittedly, second half Roma showed up again. It was not so flashy and sexy as the first 45’. Totti had a great chance but Milan were getting more dominant. That eventually led to the last fifteen minutes which can also be summed up in four words: what the fuck happened? ‘Hos got red, Goicoechea (who was having a good game with some nice catlike reflexes) released his inner Doni which resulted in a penalty and one minute after that, ex-Roma Luis Enrique player Bojan scored on a counter. 4-2 and still three minutes with additional extra time to be played while Milan gained confidence and everyone at Roma was flabbergassed. But not me. No sir, I actually found it damn entertaining. I thought by myelf: this is football, this is how it should be played. No Trappatoni-shit, no LE-possession. Right-in-your-face-footy. After witnessing Roma losing so many leads, I’d hardly lose my temper if it ended 4-4 or even 4-5. Okay so maybe I would’ve killed a man in the vicinity while pissing on the Roma emblem or I would’ve flipped my desk and threw it at a Roma poster while screaming like this and putting on a ‘Nicki Minaj greatest hits’-cd. But I wouldn’t do anything serious. I loved what I saw and I couldn’t imagine any better way to start the Christmas Holiday.


Ironic isn’t it? Even a 4-0 lead makes its fans uneasy, uncertain and nail biting all the way. Ah, la mia Roma, you never cease to amaze me. The red for Marcos was harsh but it was kinda sorta reglementary. If it was still 0-0 or 1-0, that would’ve been something else entirely. But it also gave us the Serie A debut of Romagnoli so hey, you win some you lose some. Putting a 17-year-old CB against Milan, even when it is 4-0, is ballsy. Zeman clearly wanted De Rossi to stay ancored in midfield and rightly so. I kinda laughed at the penalty, mainly because it was so late in the game. I even laughed harder after the second Milan goal because I never saw Justin Bieber on a football pitch until Saturday evening. Milan kept pushing but they never really were dangerous after that.
I dare to say this win was a little bit more Milan’s fault than Roma putting on a nice display. Mexes, Constant and Yepes were awful in defence (conceding three headers) but you gotta give credit where it’s due. Roma’s attack was extraordinary and the team was running everywhere on the pitch. I even saw Totti playing as a leftback and Ivan Piris as a rightback (no wait, Piris IS a rightback!). Night and day compared with the Chievo game. Downside is we’ll miss Marcos for a very crucial Napoli game but in Castan-Burdisso I have faith… if Cavani gets injured, otherwise we’re as fucked as a Ukrainian whore in the centre of Ibiza.

Awards


The Jezus award: De Rossi. The holy Man himself would be proud of such a resurrection and Eastern is still four months away. Great game from Daniele.


The father-son award: Totti (36)-Romagnoli (17). Hey, could be right? France’s a stud and at 19, he could have been making babies around Rome for all we know. Btw, I’m sure Saturday was the greatest day ever in Alessio’s young life. Before he got subbed in for TOTTI, he got a wink from ZEMAN. All this while he has ROMA carved in his family name. Imagine if you were Romagnoli. Instant white creamy pants I guess. Thank God it matches the red of Roma’s kit.


The ‘quite like Batistuta but totally different’ award: Lamela. They’re both Argentinian and the comparison stops there. But Erik is well on his way to become as big as Gabriel once was. Different kind of player but under Zeman, he is really kicking into top gear: he has already scored more than double of last season (4). Loving life in Roma and the chemistry with Piris on the right is getting better too. He is now the club’s top scorer at the moment with ten goals in fourteen games. On his day, he can take on any team but he needs time and a steady warm environment to grow even more. Funny to think that environment is Roma but both are made for eachother. Surprised there have been so few rumors lately of Lamela leaving for Spain or England. Dear goal.com, let’s keep it that way shall we?

Fun fact of the week


At 20 years, Lamela has already scored double digits in Serie A come December. He (and El Shaarawy too for that matter) does better than Del Piero, Totti, Inzaghi, Mancini, Baggio, Vieri… Before this season, the last player to score 10+ goals as a 20-year-old was Paolo Rossi in ‘77-‘78. Courtesy of romaforever.

Keeping the Legacy alive


So that concludes 2012 for Roma. The world did not end and so does Totti Tuesday. However, like Serie A I do am going take a break for a while because I have exams scheduled for January. My next post will probably be on Tuesday, January 15. Chris or Bren might take over duties the next weeks to keep the legacy going strong but as I already warned them: one does not simply make a Totti Tuesday. You need certain ingredients like a Loria joke, sexual assaults, boner references, 20% of the sentences have to start with ‘white’ or ‘sticky’ and etcetera.
That leaves me with one thing to do: wishing you all the best for 2013, lots of Roma wins and joy, have a great Holiday, merry X-mas and I hope to see you all next year! Grazie e ciao amici!

"I am a bit of a lunatic. One day I feel strong, the other useless. I fight, I score, I react, but I do everything to excess. I was forced to grow up, but there’s a part of me that rejects the idea of growing up. I make pointless fouls, but at that moment they seem right. It’s true, I have a horrible personality. But I kind of like being like this." – Pablo Daniel Osvaldo, 2012.

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