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FLORENCE, ITALY - DECEMBER 04: Rodrigo Taddei of AS Roma in action during the Serie A match between ACF Fiorentina and AS Roma at Stadio Artemio Franchi on December 4, 2011 in Florence, Italy. (Photo by Marco Luzzani/Getty Images)

This actually seemed fun, so I thought I'd take a crack...

Do you like Roma?

Depends on the score.

Brief thoughts on Luis Enrique.

He's a tactical mullet: all business up front, messy free-for-all in the back. Therefore, he adheres to General Mullet Law: get a haircut or get out.

Nobody wins with a mullet. Nobody.

Briefer thoughts on just what the @#$% is going on with that iPad.

Skype chatting with the real mastermind, Pep's four year old brat. Which would explain the defense and his playtime partner, Bojan, purse-snatching minutes.

Does Gabriel Heinze being Roma's #1 CB through the much of the remaining season make you yearn to tickle your brain with a hot poker through the eye socket or carve out your heart with a spoon? Or: State of the Defense. Discuss.

Yes?

See, the problem is a defense requires cohesion over time, which cannot be acquired with the funds of Osvaldo's inevitable sale to Atletico Madrid. The next problem is the defense needs a complete TNT job in the summer. Well, actually, it needed a complete TNT job last summer, in hindsight. Ultimately, Juan's injury could become a blessing in disguise if Kjaer's talent reascends from the depths of the Mariana. That said, there is likely no short-term answer on the whole.

The fullbacks need a tweaking, but Angels needs to play now and Rosi might as well too. Hell, they might as well run out the Primavera.

Taddei for president, Taddei for prima punta.

Compare and contrast the Spalletti clusterfuck and the Enrique clusterfuck, possibly using metaphor.

Spalletti's was the Bolshoi, Enrique's is the bullshit. (Comparatively, anyway.)

Using the Wong-Baker pain scale, buying out Simon Kjaer makes you feel ________.

1. Hurts little bit. Mild sad face. :(

I like him a lot. Largely because he's immensely talented and can be both immensely successful and immensely rubbish at deploying that talent. Kind of like Enrique. They're never boring.

In under five words, discuss Fabio Simplicio's gravitational field.

Stephen Hawking's muted voice box.

Now that Roma's beacon of couth, Matteo Brighi, is off in cheater-cheater land, tell us which player you believe to have assumed his crown and why. (Note: Neck tattoos mean automatic disqualification.)

What most don't know is Kjaer's "tattoos" are actually an ode to the Tribuna degli Uffizi. Fact.

If Maarten was a cartoon character, which one would he be?

That dude from the Cheetos bag. Does the name even matter? Did I even consider the relation to Cheetos and Maaaaarten's hometown(ish) before making the connection? Absolutely not, which makes it all the more factual. Again. Second-hand smoke would also explain the defense if they played a line on the same tectonic plate as him.

Also note, has anyone run numbers on the "height" of the line when Simplicio plays? One would imagine it is significantly higher, with the attack "lower" and the wings more "narrow" when he's on the pitch...

Where do you reckon Roma will finish?

After the season? Probably at dinner, paid for by Francesco. A buffet if Simplicio has any say.

Open field: anything you wish to say.

The New Roma is the new Roma, and vice-versa.
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