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ROME, ITALY - MARCH 19: Marco Antonio Marquinho of AS Roma in action during the Serie A match between AS Roma and Genoa CFC at Stadio Olimpico on March 19, 2012 in Rome, Italy. (Photo by Paolo Bruno/Getty Images)

If my friends jump off a bridge, I bring a bungie cord. I got pretty quiet during the transition and largely confined my musings to 140 character bursts, which probably cost me several followers of my paid profession, but y'know, Roma.

Let's do this.

Do you like Roma?

In the "like a family member" sense, in which I mean that I alternate between unconditional love and talking myself out of rage-filled epithets and can't-take-that-back phrases.

Brief thoughts on Luis Enrique.

Best. Chinhead Puppet. Ever.

Oh, tactics? Anyone who thinks he's getting sacked doesn't understand how American sports work. I'll lower the "Deal With It" sunglasses over his face myself. The sooner you accept the fact that you'll be watching high defensive lines and mediocre job-hopping managers looking like Sacchi during those away games, the sooner you'll just call a mulligan on the season and look ahead to Sabatini's next schemes. Ricky Alvarez was the best Mario Kart banana peel ever. I can't wait to see his Bullet Bill.

Briefer thoughts on just what the @#$% is going on with that iPad.

The 4-3-3 with Cassetti, Greco, and Simplicio all starting is what they're inputting for "Absurdity" in Draw Something.

Does Gabriel Heinze being Roma's #1 CB through the much of the remaining season make you yearn to tickle your brain with a hot poker through the eye socket or carve out your heart with a spoon? Or: State of the Defense. Discuss.

If I had a euro for every time I heard "if you told me this time last year that Rodrigo Taddei would be a fullback," I could stabilize Greece's debts. Or I could exchange it all for dollars, which actually sounds better. At that point, I would buy a lot of spoons.

The reality is that there's a good chance that Daniele will be playing CB at some point. An injury crisis mandates it. Leftover bad karma from the Roman Empire mandates it. While the Roman defense can normally be described as colander-like outside of the Claudius Ranierus Era, we're reaching the polar opposite end of the Spalettian crisis, in the sense that instead of a striker-less formation, we've got... this. Incidentally, it's been about as comfortable and soothing as eating chunky chocolate pudding while watching The Human Centipede.

Compare and contrast the Spalletti clusterfuck and the Enrique clusterfuck, possibly using metaphor.

One could blame a medical staff that was about as reliable as Gary Glitter in a preschool, the other can be blamed for the equivalent of bringing 3 hours worth of Skrillex remixes to perform at the opera.

Using the Wong-Baker pain scale, buying out Simon Kjaer makes you feel ________.

0. I wanted Seemoon on this squad last year, because --what, you were gonna take Cassetti on CB? This of course, means that I must stubbornly stick with him, no matter how often he's broken my cazzo this season. He'll make good. And lest we forget, Monsieur Star Neck had his share of issues on plenty of occasions.

Simon is young, and whenever I want to get angry at him, I think back to watching him pull up lame trying to chase Toto Di Natale to that goal, and I realize that at 22, I was smoking Newports, playing Tony Hawk, and showing up late to college classes, not chasing capocannonieri. I should cut the kid some slack.

He will be good one day. I imagine some degree of glee about Felix Magath becoming unemployed will bring it out of him.

In under five words, discuss Fabio Simplicio's gravitational field.

Revising physics to explain it.

Now that Roma's beacon of couth, Matteo Brighi, is off in cheater-cheater land, tell us which player you believe to have assumed his crown and why. (Note: Neck tattoos mean automatic disqualification.)

I'd have to go with Heinze. He's a consumate professional who, when he's not right-hooking cameras in albiceleste, is manhandling forwards with white gloves and a tux. I mean, he hasn't been sent off once yet in one of the worst-disciplined clubs in a whistle-happy league. As one Bluth sibling would say, "come on!"

Also, without Scarface Burdisso and Juan Never Smiles in the house, he looks like a bastion of sanity.

If Maarten was a cartoon character, which one would he be?

Given his alleged grasp of the Italian language and his height, I'm going with Challenge of the Superfriends-era Solomon Grundy. Monolithic grunts at certain defenders, full-blown profane English at others. Basically, he yells at everyone who kinda gets what Daniele is sloooooowly screaming at them in colorful Romanesco.

Where do you reckon Roma will finish?

Dangling from the precipice of the last possible Europa League slot, which a certain Airplane Man will likely relish snatching out from under them. But it'll still be better than Inter, and that's the kind of cockle-warming schadenfreude that gets a man through cold San Francisco summers as transfer windows rage on.

Open field: anything you wish to say.

Every time you want to get angry about this Roma, just remember that Mirko Vucinic is doing an amazing job impersonating Sebastian Janikowski and Jeremy Menez has opened a Roman cat colony on top of his head. It could always be worse...
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