Ritiro: The Men & Boys - Mostly Boys - Of Summer

VERONA, ITALY - MAY 01: AS Roma sports director Walter Sabatini before the Serie A match between AC Chievo Verona and AS Roma at Stadio Marc'Antonio Bentegodi on May 1, 2012 in Verona, Italy. (Photo by Claudio Villa/Getty Images)

Walter heard.

The List.

Portieri:
LOBONT Bogdan
PROIETTI GAFFI Francesco
STEKELENBURG Maarten (si aggregherà alla squadra domenica 8/6)
SVEDKAUSKAS Tomas

Difensori:
BURDISSO Nicolas
HEINZE Gabriel
PIRES RIBEIRO José Rodolfo (DODO')
ROMAGNOLI Alessio
ROSI Leandro
SILVEIRADOS SANTOS Juan
TADDEI Rodrigo
VALDES Josè Angel

Centrocampisti:
BERTOLACCI Andrea
DE MATTOS FILHO Marcos
FLORENZI Alessandro
GRECO Leandro
LUCCA Jonatan
PERROTTA Simone
PIZARRO David
PJANIC Miralem
SIMPLICIO Fabio
VERRE Valerio

Attaccanti:
BORRIELLO Marco
KRKIC Bojan
LAMELA Erik
LOPEZ Nicolas
OKAKA CHUKA Stefano
OSVALDO Pablo Daniel
TOTTI Francesco

Panagiotis Tachtsidis

He's in on co-ownership.

I quite like the idea of calling him "copy and paste," but for those of us who prefer brevity, I'm sticking with C/P. Yes, welcome to that generation. #sodoff.

If you co-own a Greek, does that make you German?

Heinze.

Not enough is being done on the internet to mock the rumblings that Heinze is going to Bologna.

Those rumors are haute cuisine.

Kjaer.

Heavily-tattooed, golden-locked central defenders are no longer welcome in Rome, per Walter.

Unless it's a negotiating move.

His lowlight reel from last year indicates it is unlikely to be a negotiating move.

But it could be.

You love the summer. Don't lie.

Osvaldo.

Goin' nowhere.

I'd swap him for Destro and a muffin. It'd have to be a really fucking luxurious muffin, but a muffin.

(Pencil him in for 26 games, 14 goals, 2 red cards and 4 very suspicious looking cylindrical containers of...errr...umm...there's just no way to make this classy: clean urine.)

Roma.

Whilst clearing out my Evernote, I stumbled across this, clearly begun - indeed the very beginnings - under the damaging effects of too much illy. It is unfinished and will remain so, at least until a more cohesive identity is formed under a haze of tobacco smoke and Road Runner dust.



Are you new to Roma? Are you interested in that flashy new thing with a funny accent and atypical bent on calcio? Have you decided to jump on the bandwagon with both feet?



What the hell is wrong with you? Do you understand the psychological toll assumed when one decides to become a Roma fan? Do you? Save yourselves.



For those of you new to this club, here's a introductory starter kit.



Gospel of Knowledge: AS Roma.



History: Three scudetti - calling them "scudettos" results in an inevitable homicide acquittal for your homicidist [ed: word] - nine Coppa Italia titles, meaning they're one away from the silver star, which will remain the eternal baby carrot, because that's just how Roma rolls.

Ownership: Fresh off the lot. American group headed by Thomas Di Benedetto. Outcome: TBD. (TDB TBD, to be more accurate.)

The Guys Who Run @#$%: Franco Baldini & Walter Sabatini. The latter is responsible for spotting precociously talented South American teens, general squad construct and keeping the tobacco industry afloat. The former is responsible for general oversight and quotability.

Coach: Luis Enrique. Likes possession football, fullbacks who overlap everyone on the pitch, a defensive midfielder to drop in between the CB pairing when they do, and steely glares at press conferences while appearing to be in the midst of a perpetual mental breakdown.

Formation: 4-3-3, 4-3-1-2, 3-cluster-fuck.

Native Languages: Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, Spatalian.

Untouchables: Francesco Totti (captain), Daniele De Rossi, Rodrigo Taddei (don't do it).

Crucial Fan Resources: Here.

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