Totti Tuesday: ‘Pimples, Hammertime & Titanic’

WARSAW, POLAND - JUNE 28: Federico Balzaretti (L) of Italy is challenged by Miroslav Klose of Germany during the UEFA EURO 2012 semi final match between Germany and Italy at National Stadium on June 28, 2012 in Warsaw, Poland. (Photo by Claudio Villa/Getty Images)

Gentlemen, we start with some very disturbing news. Shockingly, Roma’s recent signing, 18-year-old Romanian Bumba, is also a children’s television serie in my country Belgium. Bumba’s the name of a clown and a rather freaky one too. Other than that, at barely eighteen years the kid’s already been called up for his national team and played 28 games last season in Romania’s top league while scoring three goals in the process. Ow and can please someone tell Sabatini that Romanian is NOT the same as Roman?
Onwards and upwards ladies…



Averge age: Justin Bieber fans plus two babysitters (Totti and Lobont).

The Whiny Bunch: Borriello, Guberti, Heinze, Jose Angel, Julio Sergio, Okaka, Perrotta, Pizarro, Rosi, Svedkauskas, Tallo.
Angel has already gone back to Spain (loaned to Sociedad) while Heinze refused an offer from Olympiacos.

The surprise package: Romagnoli. The kid (born in 1995) must be special. And he’s neither South-American nor bought with ‘diritto di riscatto’… Somewhere, Sabatini is crying.

Number nuisance: I’m quite sure Roma’s the only team in the world right now with so many players wearing #40-49. First up is Balzaretti with 42, then Piris 43, Castan 44, Romagnoli 46, Lucca 47 and last but not least, Florenzi 48. Anyone wanna bet on Rhodolfo/Torosidis/Uvini/*enter Roma’s next transfer con diritto di riscatto* wearing 45 or 49?
And don’t get me started on Svedkauskas’ no55 or Tachtsidis no77… Alright, to be fair, maybe they represent their amount of pimples and bar fights in Greece respectively but c’mon people, keep it real. Btw this sh*t is hurting my eyes.

Alright now stop! ………………… Hammertime!

Sel. Irdning – AS Roma: 0-13. No this wasn’t basketball, volleyball or hockey but actual football played on a grass field. Roma hammered Irdning (which sounds like a small Hobbit town from Lord of the Rings or a gay character from Twilight) and guess what Zeman’s reaction was? Thirteen goals isn’t good enough. Plus, he tackled a very good point: DDR played too many long balls. As we all know, Zeman likes to keep things simple and straight to goal by the ground. Grande Mister. LE would surely have complained about the fact that our goal tally was bigger than our total passes completion. Speaking of Louie, what’s he been up to lately? Spying on Barca’s Vilanova? Barfing on Barca’s new jerseys?


• Mystery guy Jonathan Lucca lives on the second floor of Trigoria, upstairs from Zeman. Evidence here.

• By the end of August, Balzaretti will be my third favorite player on this team, after the Roman Boys. I really missed the Antunes Tonetto days but boy I tell you, the Irdning game was just the beginning. He’s not the youngest anymore but if he can keep it up until 2015, that’s 4.5m well spent.
Best of all is, he plays on the same side as Totti (left), I foresee great chemistry between the two.

While writing this post, Zeman text messaged me and said the Balzaretti signing isn’t money well spent. 4.5m equals 900 000 packs of cigarettes (Marlboro) which makes him produce more steam than the Titanic and the Vesuvius put together. Atta boy Zdenek!
As always, thanks for reading and until next time.

“We will certainly have a great season. If we are in good shape in February and March, then why not challenge for something?” – Mattia Destro, 2012.

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