Totti Tuesday: ‘Lasagne, wizardy & horny directors‘

Paolo Bruno

The Roman derby. A one of a kind rivalry. Manchester United – Manchester City? For pussies. Dortmund – Schalke 04? Here, have a popsicle. Fenerbahce – Galatasaray? *Blush* How cute. Red Star Belgrade – Partizan Belgrade? Phu, kindergarten is a tougher place. Arsenal – Chelsea? Hold on while I search for my Hello Kitty bedcover. Milan – Inter? Yeah right, maybe in Willy Wonka Wonderland. Real Madrid – Atlético? Perhaps… if I was a 4-year-old and still sucked my thumb. Olympiakos – Panahinaikos? Watching Spongebob Squarepants or Dora the Explorer is more dangerous.

No dear friends, Rome is where things really get heated, like a lasagne in a microwave inside the Playboy Mansion during Indian Summer. The divine creature who shares the same name as my blog, also had a little feud with the Laziale. The last time his Tottiness scored against the goats was March 2011, both goals in a 2-0 win.

Divertive derby delivers a draw


Most of you know a derby isn’t about who’s good or bad. Who’s top of the table or near the relegation bottom. Who has the best players or who plays 11 Loria’s. Who’s in good form or who sucks harder than your average Ukranian pornstar (sorry if I offended any Ukrainians on this blog, it was meant as a compliment). It’s about momentum, taking opportunities, rising to the challenge. Every derby starts with 0-0 only to end in a common bar fight, red cards and swearing on both sides. November’s 3-2 derby defeat is far beyond us. A win would level both Roman teams in the standings and would see Roma jump into a Europa League place but that’s nothing compared to the real prize: pride. Bragging rights. Or in simple kids language: ‘haha I’m better than you’.


For the first time in 172 derbies, Roma – Lazio was played on a Monday. Andreazzoli starred in his first derby as head coach and immediately left his mark: gone was his three-men-defence, he introduced a 4-3-1-2. Pjanic in the hole and Toro/Singular on the backs. Roma started well but it was a failed corner trick attempt that led to the 0-1. Ball lost just outside Lazio’s box, fast counter, rocket from Hernanes, Stek left frustrated. After their goal, Lazio was in control while few people in Giallorossi had a clue what to do with their feet. Castan mostly played as CM, Pjanic was nowhere to be seen and the backs, specially Torosidis, weren’t defensively sound. One decent shot (Totti) in 45min was all. And only one yellow for Daniele. Maybe the players wanted to keep the peace after early riots in Rome where groups of tifosi and an ambulance got attacked. Anyway, Andreazzoli had to do something during the break. Release his inner Ranieri or stab an Igli Tare voodoo doll.
Whatever happened during the break, it was effective. As effective as Emma Watson’s wizardry in all seven Harry Potter movies. Just check her dickitus totalis stiffitus-spell in this pic. She can totally swing my wand. Puberty, you’re doing it right.


…………… Right, football. A lot of things went our way after the break. Hernanes missed a penalty, Totti scored one, the Daniele-Destro sub was spot on and Lazio got red. It hurts to say but when DDR was off, the midfield seemed to have found a second youth. Bradley and Pjanic played better (although Miralem’s passing still disappointed me). A Lamela header and two dangerous free-kicks from Totti really should have given Roma the lead but alas, the power of Aurelio’s voodoo doll wasn’t that grand. History shows that Roma playing against ten men isn’t necessarily an advantage.


The defensive was shaky at times while both AA and the players needed a lot of time to find solutions on the pitch. Note: subbing Florenzi for Dodo isn’t one of them Aurelio. Roma’s second half was better and maybe Roma deserved a win more than Lazio. After their red card, they were tamed and the win was there for the taking, if they pushed a little harder. In the end, Totti scored in a derby. I’ll take that. It doesn’t really feel like two points lost. After all, a derby is always risky business. Maybe more painful than the draw is the fact that this team clearly performs better without Daniele. Stuff to think about for Andreazzoli.

Awards


The Osvaldo award: Lamela. At least, Osvaldo scores a bullshit goal after missing a huge chance. Same for Florenzi. Dare I say, with Perrotta on the pitch this game would’ve ended 3-1 nine times outta ten.


The Delvecchio award: Totti. He now holds the record of nine derby goals, together with San Marco and Dino Costa.


The optimist award: Lobont. Anyone who is unexplicably left to rot on the bench for so many times this season and celebrates in such fashion after Totti’s goal, deserves a contract until 2030. If there's one man who still believes in a Scudetto challenge, it's Bogdan.


Bitchslap of the week


Vucinic. Not for scoring twice against Pescara, bringing Juventus closer to the Scudetto. No sir, for doing this. Which instantly brought back memories of the Cagliari game in 2008. Crazy Mirko has now completely abonded his Roma past. Ironically, his very own replacer and full-time nut Ozzy is almost out as well. Who’s next, the Joker? The Mad Hatter? Ace Ventura?

Notes


• Totti until 2020! Somebody give that man a cane and a new pair of lungs. Maybe Zeman wants to donate his?

• Dzeko calls Pjanic. Better yet Edin, why not come to Rome? Just wait until June for that Ozzy guy to make room, otherwise you might get slapped (Lamela spontaneously starts crying). In all seriousness, Pjanic is one our jewels, Bayern seem interested too. The management should do everything possible to keep him. Marcos-Romagnoli-Pjanic –Florenzi-Lamela-Destro is a spine which can last for (at least) ten more years. Imagine the damage they can do with two, three more years of chemistry.

• Antunes played a CL quarter final (Malaga-Dortmund), Arthur a Europa League quarter final (Benfica-Newcastle), Kjaer scored for Wolfsburg and Pelizzoli was heroic against Juve, all in one week. At this rate, Adrian Pit will win the World Cup with Romania in 2014, you’ve read it here first.

• According to my stream on Monday evening, the number of hot chicks at the Olimpico was 41 905. After three seconds of pre-game warm up, I already saw two models in the stands. Damn horny director.

• I miss Leandro Greco. That’s all.

Bad Torino timing


Apologies are in place as next week I won’t be able to post a TT. I’m gone the entire weekend of 12-15 April so I’ll miss the Torino game and am robbed of some precious time. Torino seems like a dull opponent compared to Lazio but be aware, they are a tough nut to crack in Turin. Especially for a fickle team like Roma. And shortly after that, the Coppa semi-final against Inter on Wednesday.


Let’s hope for a win in either of those so we can really kickstart our seaso…. nevermind. See you in two weeks guys (hopefully with a Copa Italia final in the bag so we can enjoy a third derby this season). Now excuse while I’m going to browse for more pics of Emma Watson. No worries, merely research material and for *ahem* scientific purposes of course. Ciao!

“There is a strategy for new investors. We did everything we said we’d do and invested all the money we promised. If you want to hear the truth then speak to me. The rest is speculation and most of it is misinterpreted. We put everything we needed to into the club, we made a commitment and have every intention of maintaining it.” – James Pallotta, 2013.

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