Totti Tuesday: ‘Babysitters, Houdini & Brussels sprouts’

Giuseppe Bellini

'Start the war, cauz we are on the floor, it’s never seen before, army of... Roma!' Take the agression of this song (jump to 1.33) and multiply it by Marquinhos’ freckles. THAT is the exact amount of aggression and tension everyone was predicting for Sunday’s slaughterfest.

1) It’s a Coppa final. A trophy was at stake and duh, everyone loves trophies, even the most humble and hipster clubs. FYI, Roma won its last Coppa in 2008.
2) If Roma wins, it’s their tenth Coppa victory which means a nice silver star on their recently revamped logo (more on that later on). They would be the first Italian team to do so.
3) Both Roma and Lazio didn’t qualify for Europe via Serie A, this was their chance to redeem themselves, grab the last EL-ticket and send their neighbors back into the abyss with empty hands while laughing maniacally doing so.
4) It’s the Roman derby. Which makes Obama, Merkel and Kim Jong-Un all spontaneously duck under the table and search for cover while changing the channel to Nickelodeon, crying for their babysitters and pink cupcakes in the shape of unicorns.

And honestly, who can blame them? Hold on to your pillows and YOLO.

Losing to Lulic’ Lazio, so lame and lacklustre

If even a PSY concert (pre-game) can’t cheer the crowd up, you know things are going to end bad. And on Sunday evening, it even went from bad to worse. I will cut to the chase: The first half was one of the worst performances I saw from Roma in a loooong time. The stage was set and I know the derby is no beauty contest and mostly ends in favor of the side who is basically less shit than the other one. But what I saw during the first 45min was horrible (save a Destro header just before the break).

Things were slightly better in the second half but the Giallorossi never looked confident or even passionate enough during the final. Ugly, uninspiring, like they all wore concrete shoes, just watched a Nicki Minaj music video and had a bigger hangover than the entire crew of the similar movies put together. One notable moment was Totti’s free kick right after Lazio’s goal which eventually hit the bar and nearly crossed the line. The rest was just horror and those 341 660 fouls called by the ref didn’t help either. Roma happened, just like so many other times this season. A fitting way to say goodbye to 2012-2013 and it leaves a big fat question mark behind ¾ of this squad and its staff.

So what was the problem then? Roma has played derbies before, hell it even played a tonload of Coppa finals too (17, more than any other Italian side). The lineup consisted of too many players unfamiliar with these circumstances. Only three players really experienced this pressure before: Burdisso, Totti and Daniele. Not to mention the unproven bench: Goicoe, Romagnoli, Piris, Dodo, Florenzi, Taxi, Lopez… They simply weren’t ready for this, which tells a lot about the team and its management.

I wasn’t angry after the final whisttle… Ok maybe a bit. Via Totti Tuesday, I’d like to say sorry to all my neighbors for their broken windows, skinned cats and dogs, car scratches and huge dumps I took in their gardens. It won’t happen again… Unless Roma extends both Goicoechea and Dodo’s contracts until 2020, then I go full ‘Jim Carrey meets lsd’-mode.

Roma lost a lot after Sunday. A derby, bragging rights, a Coppa, European qualification, a silver star, soul and also dignity. The club and its players are in shambles, fans attacked a team bus and protested at Trigoria… Never a dull day at the office. This all makes the upcoming silly season even more, ehrrr, silly. A lot needs to change in Rome. But then again, some people never seem to learn from their mistakes. Maybe the changes need to begin at the office and not the field this time around? To be continued. Keep holding that pillow.

Crappy Coppa Commemorations

The Superman award: Tachtsidis. Just when you thought the derby would end without a red card, Taxi was there to save the day! The boy clearly likes to keep traditions alive.

The Mexes award: Balzaretti. The last time I saw a Roman player cry like that was Philou after Sampdoria.

The Harry Houdini award: Osvaldo. For suddenly being invisible after replacing Balzaretti. Also, that other wizard named Harry (Potter) says he wants his invisibility cloak back, Pablo.

Notes


• As you all know, the new emblem was officially unveiled last week. The most important changes were the disappearance of ‘ASR’ and the introdution of ROMA and 1927. I’m kinda neutral about the change: don’t hate it, don’t love it either. The color scheme, ROMA name and date are fine by me but the Lupa just seems a little odd compared to the older logo. The management played it safe, that’s for sure but I hope they do realize there are other more important changes needed in order to reach CL and, ultimately, the Scudetto.
Ow and kudos to the suits for paying homage to the greatest Italian LB of all time: a small TM below, referring to Tonetto, Max. Big up!

• If I ever see a DDR–Bradley combo on the field in 2013-2014, I’ll puke so much, the UK drowns in all my devoured pizzas, Brussels sprouts and Big Macs.

Chanel Totti. Being named after an expensive, well-known perfume and the greatest Roman player with the smallest trophy cabinet, it’s a hard knock life.

• Cheerleaders. Best damn thing the ownership has done since 2011 and America since 1776.

The once and future Totti Tuesday

The season has now officially ended. But don’t be afraid boys and girls, Totti Tuesday will continue all silly season long (probably in a less elaborate way than during Serie A though)! And I sound waaaay to enthusiastic about it than I should. Who is gonna be this year’s Antunes, Baptista, Barusso, Tavano or Wilhelmsson?
Roma’s third consecutive disappointing campaign is a fact so say hello to major overhaul no3 under Uncle Sam & Friends. Ugh, September can’t come soon enough.

Ps: Yes Barack, you can come out of the closet now, the derby's over.

"We certainly can’t consider it a positive season. The President is absolutely determined to continue making investments so we can strengthen the squad and carry on the project. I put together the staff and therefore of course I cannot say I don’t have responsibility for the way this season went." – Franco Baldini, 2013

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