Totti Tuesday: ‘The vacuum cleaner, the MILF & the false teeth’

Giuseppe Bellini

I’m sitting here, sipping from a sweet coffee strong liquor, thinking about what has actually happened since August 2012. The images fly through my head like Sonic the Hedgehog or Lindsay Lohan on crack, I almost get a seizure. I need to sit down, wipe the post-Coppa tears away, keep calm and listen to Antonello Venditti. For God’s sake, pull yourself together man!

Right after the Coppa final would be a bad timing to give my opinion about the season, management, players and objectives we failed horribly. Emotions and all. So I think now is the right time to do a review of the season and assess Roma’s squad 2012-2013 while simply doing what I do best since March 2012: Rip it all out of its context and link AS Roma to girls in a totally non-sexistic, respectful way. No, seriously. Buckle up.

Ow and I want to apologize in advance if any of you chaps (or lesbians, I’m open-minded) get traumatic flashbacks concerning old love interests. Alright, here we go:

Portieri


Stekelenburg: The unhandy girl. You know. She lets jars fall, trips over the wire of the vacuum cleaner and although being talented in the cooking department, she still is prone to a burned dish or kitchen nightmare every now and then. She’s well-known in your village but I guess it was just not meant to happen. Plus, she’s bigger than you. C’mon, who wants to date a girl who’s 6.5 feet tall? Pass her on dude.
6/10

Lobont: The proven girl. A bit older than you but you don’t take a risk by dating her. She has the attributes, mostly delivers the goods but deep inside, you know you can do better. Maybe there is a more cute girl just around the corner. Definitely keep her as plan B for the prom though…
7/10

Goicoechea: The emo girl. Great Scotch, stay away from her bro. She’s no material for you (although she’s flexible in bed). You have totally different opinions and tastes in life. She will make another guy happy (or desperate).
5/10

Svedkauskas: The adolescent girl. Go on boy, nothing to see here. Just wait a few Summers, let her date other men and check her out again in 2018. You could be in for a surprise. One for the future.
--/10

Difensori


Burdisso: The passionate girl. See, I like my girls passionate. Although you need to keep her away from all the porcelain in the living room when things go bad in your relationship. She stays loyal as well because she really wants things to work out between the both of you. Which is nice, no?
6.5/10

Marquinhos: The talented girl. Ok ok, I know, she’s as old as Svedkauskas. But this one is different and has got all the right moves. Don’t be mistaken, she looks young but she can handle herself in a relationship. Definitely a keeper. Try to let her sign a lifelong contract while you’re at it.
8.5/10

Castan: The solid girl. A safe bet. She’ll treat you nice, just don’t expect miracles from her in bed. She’s no tiger but likes to cuddle and hug more. You have a good feeling about this, keep her as long as possible I’d say. Might need to get a look at her haircut though.
7/10

Piris: The drunk one-night-stand girl. You had a short run together, with ups and downs. Meh. Nothing special. You may regret it later on, maybe you don’t. Only take her to the prom if there are really no other options left I’d say.
6/10

Balzaretti: The two-faced girl. You saw her walking with other guys, she seemed the real deal. But after she finally chose you, happiness changed into disappointment. You expected a lot more from her during ‘sexy time’. Will you give her another shot (figuratively of course, you sick mind)?
6/10

Torosidis: The innocent girl. Even though you didn’t spend a lot of time together, she seems a keeper. She has done nothing horrible to be declined. She is about to enter her prime in bed as well, you don’t want to miss out on all the good action now, would you?
6.5/10

Dodo: The teenage girl. Hysterical, loves One Direction, maybe she’s simply too young or you are too grown-up. The chemistry is not there. You thought it would be nice to brag with her alongside your friends (because she seems talented) but it is not the right time for a relationship. Don’t let her slip away too far though, you might be seeing her again in the near future…
5.5/10

Romagnoli: The underaged girl. Now you’re really pushing it boy, this is waaaaay too young for your taste.
--/10

Centrocampisti


Marquinho: The tireless girl. Mostly runs around like a headless chicken in your house, having no clue what to do or how to do it. Fun to watch for a while but it gets lame afterwards. Better look at other options.
6/10

De Rossi: The heavy-drinking girl. See, this one’s tricky. You’ve been dating her for a while now, everything went fine until some time ago. She has changed her way of life (I’m not even mentioning her beard which freaks you out but hey, love is blind). She’s not the same anymore although you’ll always have a special place in your heart dedicated to her. Time will tell if it’s a match made in heaven but other guys with a big wallet are lurking around the corner. Are you gonna let her slip away?
5.5/10

Bradley: The bald girl. She looks kinda freaky but you sympathize with her. After some talks, you realize she’s not THAT ba(l)d. You can count on her but she does need some reflection time about her way of work. If no other options loom on the horizon, sticking with her is not the worst possible thing you can do. Getting her a wig before prom would help a lot as well.
6/10

Taddei: The uncanny girl. Admit it, she still rocks your pants, even though she’s not a model. A cheap date, rakes up nostalgia and she’ll deliver the goods most of the time, nothing wrong with one more year of dating I suppose. And dear God, those thighs…
6/10

Tachtsidis: The mysterious girl. So, so raw but not the finished product yet. You date a lot but you still can’t wrap your head around her after all this time. Is she really worth your time? Does she deserve another chance? Maybe she is just misunderstood because of her intimidating appearance.
6/10

Florenzi: The downtown girl. You know her well, she spent her entire youth in your local village and showed a lot of promise. At first, you didn’t really acknowledge her talents and you ignored her but the past ten months have been truly magical and fascinating. Looks and reads like a fairtale. And she hasn't even reached her peak yet.
8/10

Pjanic: The prodigious girl. A lot of talent this one. Destined to do great things but as Spiderman movies taught us: With great power comes great responsibility. Is Miralem able to cope with such pressure in your relationship? It has been a bumpy road up ‘till now for the both of you. She might look at other high-profile names. Either you give her full confidence or you let her (painfully) go. Choose wisely.
6.5/10

Perrotta: The wise girl. God, look at her movements, she really makes her blue jeans talk. She is not as slick or shiny as younger versions out there, even in MILF territory but she can still give you a good time until 2014.
6/10

Lucca:
The transsexual girl. Seriously? She looks like Andrew Garfield. Maybe she’ll transform into a beautiful butterfly after a couple of dates with other men. Right now, she’s a no-go.
--/10

Attacanti


Totti: Megan Fox in Transformers /Gal Gadot in Fast & Furious. Nuff said. Marry her and be her slave until the end of time.
9/10

Lamela: The glittering girl. She can sparkle like a diamond but when she is on her period, she becomes a lot less attractive once a month. A bit rough around the edges but oozing with talent. She’ll only get better, just like fine wine or Antunes and Artur when Roma got rid of them (basterds).
7.5/10

Osvaldo: The egocentric girl. Dangerous, self-centered, explosive, mental problems… All you need for a rough night actually. Which kinda turned you on in the first place. But now, she’s starting to show her true identity. It was fun while it lasted but your time together is up. She gets a high grade only because her numbers are still pretty damn awesome. Look for other suitors immediately.
7/10

Destro: The pole-dancing girl. She’s fun to look at, makes you horny and dream naughty things. But even though the chemistry is good, the relationship still hasn’t reached its peak yet. This could get fun in the near future.
6.5/10

Lopez: The girl with braces. Whatever happens, you still keep looking at her teeth. Which makes all your conversations futile. Not ready for the BJ (the ‘big job’, pervert) yet. Play with other boys first.
5/10

Allenatori


Zeman: The grandma. Everyone makes mistakes. Making out with a grandma does sounds creepy but hey, it was quite an adventure right? Old ones are usually the best, not in this case. It was fun while it lasted. And for God’s sake, keep your false teeth on during sexy time.
6/10

Andreazzoli: The boring girl. Like a college girl who always talks about her good results during dates. She obviously gets the job done, when you look at the numbers. But doubts will always remain in your relationship and in the long run, your plan will backfire nonetheless. End it while you still have the chance.
6/10

Big read, I know. Thanks for keeping up. See you next week with a surprise marriage proposal and a similar assessment of the roster consisting of… mother-in-laws! Just kidding, I wouldn't dare.

"The plan was to see out my career at Roma, being a Romanista at heart. Things went differently, but I am happy with the choices I made, especially as at the time they were forced upon me. In my view the mentality has to change, though it’s not easy and I don’t know what’s happening in there. Roma is a complex place to work." – Alberto Aquilani, 2013

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