Totti Tuesday: ‘Penetration, Jesus & Russians’

Roberto Serra

This is not goodbye, more like ’see you soon’. A word or 800 should suffice to explain.

Thanks to the superb and thorough analyses, observations, follow-ups and submissions of Bren, Chris and Dhaw, I feel there is a bit of a news overflow (although there can NEVER be enough Roma in our lifes, just like Emma Watson gifs) on Chiesa di Totti. Totti Tuesday has and will always be the less sparkling, less shining but sarcastic, pig-headed kid in class. Kinda like a metalhead during a Selena Gomez gig, Susan Boyle in a Miss Universe election or every minute of Fabio Simplicio on a football pitch. It stays awkward to look at but it has its charms for sure.

Teasing the tifosi

Fact is: true heartbreaking/heart-pounding* news and inspiration for fresh articles are dire the last couple of weeks since that day when there was a certain game in Rome for a certain cup on a certain day of the week only to be lost by a certain team with a certain red and yellow colors. Not a lot has been going on nowadays appart from Rudi’s official unveiling. No single official deal has been made the last month. Besides the closing up of the co-ownerships but they’re just a teaser for the big work. And some rumors just become too unbearable to read for example Micah Richards or some unknown dude from Romania.

*Speaking of heartbreaking news: There was some drama this weeked as Perotta decided to end his footballing career at Roma. He might leave Rome but could also accept a job at the AS Roma company. Whatever he chooses, grazie per tutti SuperSimo, one of the biggest less attractive yet awesome to watch players in football history (or something like that). Such a big heart and team spirit, such great penetrations you only see in a porn movie…

Pallotta does promise at least one ‘big name’ this Summer, excuse me James if I don’t do backflips right away. History taught us Roma and big names aren’t always a match made in heaven (Adriano, Stekelenburg, Bojan, Cicinho, Kuffour, Menez and Vitorino ‘Maldini’ Antunes ). Plus, we might be looking at Gianluca Curci as prime candidate for our no1 keeper spot and LB Jose Angel willing to give his Roma career another go if things keep going on like this on the mercato. This is what Roma has become on July 2nd. To make it all worse, Lobont’s contract is officially expired since Monday and he is now a free agent. Shut up JonAS, Bogdan just renewed his contract Monday evening until 2016, happy times!

The sandwich section

Anyway, my biggest fear is to sound like a broken record here at Church until preseason gets underway and friendlies are played (should be in America, probably in America, think it’s in America, yeah they will be played in America). Most of the times I’m writing words, players’ names and just delete them the day after because the agent of player X has denied the rumors of him joining Roma or player Y of Roma wants to stay and sabotage our mercato (cough Osvaldo cough). Loaning young players to Pescara, Siena and stuff is cool yes but… Truth is, I need more to work my magic. I need to see players on the pitch, pics of trainings, bad hairstyle changes, Sabatini on full Jesus of Nazareth-mode aka ‘let the little children come to me’ etc.

That’s why Totti Tuesday, just like last year btw, will take a short break and come back with a good old-fashioned shot to the nutsack even harder, bigger, faster, stronger than July 2012. Just imagine me a in tropical wellness resort at Barbados (hey Rihanna, go make me a sandwich), sipping from a Black Russian (the cocktail, for the love of God you sick man) and coming up with new ideas, lay-outs, sections for next season. I won't be completely gone from Chiesa the next couple of weeks FYI. I'll try to help the guys out whenever I can until my comeback so stay focused and try to look for hidden clues in the next posts (hint: they involve Borriello, nudity and Cassetti's 2011 haircut). No need to call 911, Lopez’ dentist, Simplicio’s dietitian or Taddei’s stylist (all in extreme cases of emergency) just yet.

Mail misery

And now without further addo, I give the word to ked1927 who will entertain you for the next couple of minutes. I’m a man of my word after all. It's a fitting way to end Totti Tuesday season 2012-2013, with words and emotions from the biggest, most imporant succes factor of this site: you, the fans, the readers, the commentators, the spectators of this entire dog and pony show!
Meanwhile, enjoy your holiday and I hope to welcome you all back near the end of July 2013 for hopefully a new, restyled and revamped Totti Tuesday! Or Wimpy Wilhelmsson Wednesday, Totally Tonetto Thursday, Fail Faty Friday, Simply Simplicio Saturday, Mad Mido Monday… The jury’s still out on that one. Arrivederci!

Ked1927

Well I’ve been given the task of writing my thoughts on our beloved team after winning Jonas’s contest in one the strangest ways imaginable. We like to dream big as Roma fans so today I’m going to be the Adrian Stoain of your dreams (post moustache). So here are my pessimistic predictions of which I’ll be very glad to be proven wrong.


1) Osvaldo is leaving...for no more than 16 million euros. Yep you’ve heard it here. I just have a feeling that Walter won’t be able to sell him for anything higher. Why? Well let’s look at Walter’s top three major sells in the last two years.
a. Mirko Vucinic – Purchased for: 19 million euros combined total. (Initial loan 3.25m, 50% rights 3.75m, other 50% 12m) Sold for: 15m
b. Fabio Borini – Purchased for: 8.85 million euros combined total. (Initial loan 1.25m, 50% rights 2.3m, other 50% 5.3m) Sold for: 13.3m
c. Jeremy Menez – Purchased for: 10.5 million euros excluding bonuses. Sold for: 8m.
There is no doubt Saba is great at unearthing young ones and somewhat decent at higher profile transfers but his selling record isn’t really the greatest so far. Both Vuci and Menez were unhappy strikers wanting to go, and they went at a lower cost than they were bought so let’s see how he performs with his third expensive unhappy striker.


2) Osvaldo’s replacement will be an improvement...in attitude not in skill. As much as I would love to see Gomez or some other great striker grace this team, the reality is we’re far closer to Gilardino than anyone else. A deal is already in the works to swap with AS Roma’s own Ryan Gosling-type ladies’ man person thing. Is he good? He sure is! Oh wait, what’s this? Oh right. Unfortunately, my calendar says 2013. Sorry, kind of thought it was 2008 for a moment there. Well on the plus side, he isn’t really a trouble maker like our Johnny Depp Doppelganger but his hair used to look like Jared Leto’s from My So Called Life so there’s that.


3) Pjanic is staying...to his own detriment. Pjanic, the great Roman enigma since Vucinic’s inability to keep on his pants after scoring. No doubt he’s staying, whether he’ll be effectively utilized this season is anyone’s guess. The fact that we’re linked to over three midfielders isn’t helping the situation either.


4) Saba will get us some more young talent...at the expense of other young talent. I am as confident in Saba getting us 16-19 year old players this mercato as I am confident Marlboro will continue sponsoring his throat cancer treatment (a dead customer is no customer right?). But, as the case with the Uruguayan Bugs Bunny, he may end up on the bench for the majority of the season only to be loaned out/sold/used for bartering with Italo Zanzi’s hair gel company. The fact is, Roma needs to climb up that league table fast and young players don’t exactly guarantee that. But that won’t dismiss Papa Saba’s fetishes now does it? Expect some young ones with some nice YouTube résumés gracing the gyms of Trigoria but don’t have your hopes up too high.


5) De Rossi is staying...but expect the same inconsistent form. I’m not sure if it’s the formation, or personnel or the fans or the fact that he’s the highest paid Italian in SerieA or a combination of all four, De Rossi just hasn’t delivered for Roma in what seems to be, for forgetful fans like us, forever. Throw in another summer of rumours and another season of wrath filled fan abuses and you have a De Rossi who’s here but not really here. But you may say, the world cup is next year, he must step up his game in order to get in the squad! Well Mr./Ms drunk person, he was chosen this tournament right? And he was a stand-out performer wasn’t he? Well then he’ll be chosen next year as well, as long as he clocks in minutes for Roma and stays healthy. For whatever reason DDR doesn’t perform in Red and Yellow but is an absolute monster in Blue. Who knows maybe the new logo may help him?

So that’s my list. Disagree with it? Gonna tap my mobile NSA style? Going to send me nude pics of Jonas and Taddei? Well that’s what this forum is for now isn’t it? Thanks and see your GIFs and memes in the comments section.

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