Wilhelmsson Wednesday: ‘18+, Nutella & Mouse Detectives’

Victor Decolongon

I’m starting to get a kick out of posting on Wednesdays, don’t you? Besides, these ‘W-players’ are so much better than that previous Totti guy. Swedish (s)wingers for the win!

Just when you thought you had forgotten about our very own Swedish Messi, I’m here to save the day. Let’s see, I got this, this and this (last one is actually pretty funny). And of course, his WAG Oksana Andersson. Move over Borriello! Obligatoire special 18+ pic here. Go on kids, nothing to see, shoot shoot.

Fire & water

Right, football. AS Roma. Well, it’s gonna be a quiet week since we just had an international break. No players returned with serious injuries bar Bradley but he’ll survive. He’s Captain America after all and they will be shooting The Avengers 2 and The Winter Soldier (check imdb) shortly. Speaking of superheroes, someone at Roma should release his inner Nick Fury and assemble his very own squad. I can see a lot of options here:

Gervinho: Formidable Forehead. Can use his forehead as a shield to counter missiles or reverse solar attacks. Uses his diving device to trick enemies he’s down and out while actually, he’s still alive.

Florenzi: Forrest Fire. Can unleash mighty fire tornadoes through high-speed sprints to baffle his opponents. Likes to watch movies with Tom Hanks.

Borriello: Chief Casanova. Gets all the ladies in the end (hey, it’s a superpower as well no?).

De Rossi: Brave Beard. Strangles his opponents with his facial hair. Admit it, it does sound awesome.

Benatia: Moroccan Monolith. Holds down the floodgates, very useful against watertype enemies like Blastoise, Poliwag and… Wait no, that’s Pokémon.

Ljajic: Colonel Calories. Makes enemies’ arteries instantly explodes thanks to heavy bombs filled with Nutella cupcakes.

Balzaretti: Menacing Mane. Uses his ponytail as powerful whip/leash (no sadomasochism).

Taddei: Thunder Thigh. Flexes his thighs so hard he produces electrostatic energy to paralyze his opponents.

My God, the possibilities are endless. Someone draw a script and send it to Christopher Nolan or Michael Bay, much appreciated.

Orange juice

Right, football. AS Roma. No Serie A last weekend so very little action around Trigoria. Some sweet words between Totti and Garcia and Pallotta and Sabatini but hey, what did you expect? Everyone’s happy, smiles and farts rainbows. This team’s currently on its honeymoon period but that will soon end when the derby arrives (I don’t expect much trouble at Parma). For a young couple like Roma and Garcia, it’s the first real test after a wedding. Compare it with the first morning you both wake up in bed but you don’t tell her she’s beautiful anymore. You just get up, enter the kitchen, make orange juice, read the newspaper and go to work. In other words, let the dullness creep into your relationship:
Sleep/work/eat/ sleep/work/occasional boring sex in between, repeat until infinity

The only thing that can turn up the heat once more is a good old rivalry or the return of an old ex to spark your interest (Lazio). But wait, we already did the exes last week. Figuratively of course.

Ham & camels

Right, football. AS Roma. Who will be facing Parma next weekend. Instead of previous weekend. Damn international breaks and WC qualification. If I want to see a stellar Daniele I’ll youtube some Roma games of 2009 thank you very much. If I want to see Osvaldo again, I’ll buy a ticket for Southampton-British Virgin Islands thank you very much. Speaking of virgins, when will Jedvaj finally make an appearance in Rome? Does his CDT-nickname PenisVagina scare Italian girls off? Because I can think of worse nicknames. In college there was this one guy who always called me….

Right, football. AS Roma. So Parma-Roma’s up next. Guess who plays for Parma since this Summer? Fantantonio. AKA Peter Pan. Although he’s more like the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland, rapidly disappearing from Italy’s top league. Did I tell you my favorite Disney movie is The Great Mouse Detective?

Right, football. Parma-AS Roma. The city of Parma is mostly known for its ham (‘prosciutto’) and football tea…. Mmmm ham. Now I’m hungry. A big, nice slice of Parma ham and a juicy round melon (or melons).

Right, football. AS Ro…………………..F*** this, I quit. I’m terribly sorry guys. See you next week!

Ps: Christian Wilhelmsson now plays for Baniyas Sports club. It sounds like a wellness resort or holiday inn but it’s an Emirati football club from UAE’s top league. They’ve got a camel in their crest which is pretty sweet.

"I think football is a spectacle and people come to watch a spectacle. At the same time, we must not forget that they will be happiest if we are winning games. It’s clear Rome’s a place where you feel the passion of the supporters. You can’t compare it to Lille, really. It’s more like Marseille to the power of 10." – Rudi Garcia, 2013

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