Wahab Wednesday: ‘The exorcism of the exes’

Hamish Blair

We all know them. We all had them. We all loathe them. Or sometimes still love ‘em. Either way, we all still think about them, no matter when, where or why. Exes. Btw that’s a Belgian singer in that music video, no harm in some chauvinism I guess.

I reckon a small explanation is in order: Just like Francesco Totti, Adewale Wahab is a Roma icon as well. Together with the other priests of Chiesa, we decided to postpone my weekly blog to Wednesday. Mainly thanks to Sabatini’s night moves (which were surprisingly quiet, very quiet). The picture above is a certain Wahab although not the footballer but a cricket player from Pakistan. There were no better alternatives in CDTs image database. Live with it.

To tell the truth, the story of exes is most of the times a blunt and painful one. It goes beyond any human emotion or pain. Heartbreaking, heartpounding, heartrending. But not quite as painful as watching 90 minutes of Roma falling behind after a 2-0 advantage, clusterfucking in Pescara or losing one of the most important derbies ever (May 26, 2013, RIP). Exes. Most of our male readers should be fine come the end of this post. If not, well… A bit of wine, vodka or whiskey has never hurt anyone right?

Halting the heroic Hellas

But first: My superduper, thrilling, enormous, gigantic, deep Hellas review: Roma won, DSDDCS (De Sanctis does do clean sheets) & I saw Toni back in Rome. Yaaay!

Roster review: Keepers

Lobont & De Sanctis: The older exes. They’re still decent quality in your eyes but you want to go on and search for newer models. Why keep Jennifer Anniston when you can have Lawrence? It’s good to keep track of her record and one last reunion seems in place but come June 2014, go for shinier ‘toys’.

Julio Sergio: The forgotten ex. You know, the little flirt back in that alley in 2010? That short stint of pheromones on crack? Remember her now? You’re welcome. Now, forget her again and go on with your hunt.

Skorupski: The unfamiliar ex. She came around quite suddenly and surprisingly. She doesn’t seem like a match but oh well, now you’ve got her phone number...Might as well give her a call sometime soon. Or block her just like your other exes.

Roster review: Defenders

Balzaretti: The two-faced ex. One day she’ll go all ‘Hulk Smash’ on you, the other day she wants your babies. You dated her because of the latter (back in Summer 2012) but her personality problems make her a bit of a gamble. She looks to have found the right mentality recently.

Benatia: The exotic ex. She’s quality, she has a certain African aura/vibe. She’s one big girl to handle but big girls are beautiful too. Nothing but good memories of her so far. Makes you dream of cocktails, beaches, blue skies and paradise (Champions League).

Burdisso: The trustworthy ex. Don’t fear her, she won’t nail you coffin behind your back. Sometimes older lovers are the best. A bit rusty but that soft spot remains, for old times’ sake.

Castan: The harmless ex. She won’t make your life a living hell that’s one thing. Brave girl, fun times, good memories. Might give her a call in the near future to hang out again.

Dodo: The childish ex. Still too young? Inexperienced maybe? She hasn’t found other suitors yet so it’s not really your fault is it? Maybe those 1D and Jonas Brothers (pun intended) posters in her room scare boys off.
Jedvaj: The underaged ex. Dear God, I think I’ve said too much. I hope NSA isn’t monitoring Chiesa.

Romagnoli: The promising ex. A bit ambiguous, I agree. She’s still raw but you dream of you and her together in a gondola in Venice one day. Quite simply: Not the right place, nor the right time. Fast forward to 2015 and we’ll talk again.

Maicon: The renowned ex. Everybody wanted to date her back in the day (2010), including you. The girl women want to be, men want to be with. Just like Benatia: Until now, you don’t have any particular regrets of dating her.

Torosidis: The not-so-special ex. Meh, no particular feelings towards her. She’s not a pain in the ass to have around in case you need some affection. But it’s written in the starts she will go out of your mind in a few months.

Roster review: Midfielders

Bradley: The obedient ex. This girl does everything you ask of her… Though not quite as efficient and succesful as the others. Too bad because she can be a good partner if she gets her head straight. A grey area, this one. You like her complaisance yet you desire more.

De Rossi: The romantic ex. Same neighborhood, same youth, same friends, same school. It was meant to be. She had some trouble recently, trying to get her life back on track but she’s showing promise again. My advice? Call her my son (or lesbian daughter, I’m adaptable).

Florenzi: The handy ex. Hard-working type, can play different roles in your relationship: Sex symbol, maid, slutty, shy, kitchen princess…Very, very useful kind of girl. Big chance of a long-lasting love.

Marquinho: The quiet ex. Word says it all. She doesn’t complain, you don’t particularly complain about your time spend together. No real bitch fighting going on here, no one’s vengeful. Or just doesn’t care, whatever.

Pjanic: The gracious ex. The way she moves, walks… Baby makes her blue jeans talk. She’s an artist, undeniably talented. Not too shabby to put on your list of exes. Some boys got their eyes on her, make your move fast kid.

Strootman: The reliable ex. High-profile, tried and tested, you get value for your money (not saying she’s a hooker, just an idiom). Not a bad word about her, even though your flirt was still kinda short. Low chance of this ending bad, chemistry is good and the future’s bright. Go get her, my boy.

Taddei: The loveable ex. Come on, how can you be mad at her? She’s Taddei. Kiss and make up already.

Roster review: Attackers

Borriello: The ex-model. Jesus, you’d be afraid to walk alongside her on the street, eyes glaring everywhere, it’s like your walking next to Candice Swanepoel. Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Miraculously, she’s still available but might bump into new suitors come January.

Caprari: The overrated ex. You expected more of your relationship to be honest. She was still young but that’s not really an excuse. Her grandpa (Zeman) was bragging about her so you decided to take your chance but so far, without succes. Maybe in the not so distant future? She’ll have to get her head out of her ass though, as painful as it will be.

Destro: The Amish ex. A bit freaky at times, different lifestyles and habits, prominent looks but you grew fonder of her. Mostly good memories. She currently has an injury, why not visit her sometime in hospital and try your luck? Mazzeltov! Just please somone tell her to ditch the beard, it’s a huge let-down.

Gervinho: The persisting ex . See, usually you’re not attracted to girls with big foreheads but this one’s an exception. Why? Well, for one, your dad (Garcia) seems to like her and kept inviting her over. So you were kinda hooked up with here no matter what.

Ljajic: The substitute ex. You lost a gifted girl, you gained a new one. Not very romantic but an effective move nonetheless. It all happened very sudden but there were no better alternatives back then. Nicely done, you Casanova.

Totti: What did you say? YOUR EX? For God’s sake man, pull yourself together and don’t let that girl slip through your fingers! Marry her, give her a fat marriage contract and be her slave (until at least 2016).

Alright, time to bring out those handkerchiefs. That’s it for this week, boys and girls. Ciao!

"In Rome there is only one boss – and that’s Francesco Totti." – Kevin Strootman, 2013

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