Totti Tuesday: Hollywood

Gabriele Maltinti

With all 38 games behind us, I think it’s time to assess Roma’s roster, Totti Tuesday-style. Since Roma’s 2013-2014 season read like a script from a Hollywood blockbuster, it would be fun to compare the Roma players with … Hollywood actors! Light, camera… action!

Goalkeepers:

Morgan De Sanctis

Christian Bale. What else? Morgan ‘Batman' was a more than decent player this season, just like Bale's a very, very decent actor. Consistent, a leader, an imposing figure. I like both of them (no homo).

Bogdan Lobont:

Tommy Lee Jones. Clearly one of the older members. Over his prime, his best years are behind him (Dinamo Boekarest & Ajax - Men in Black 1 & No Country for Old Men) but it doesn't hurt having him in your crew I guess. Maybe he's in for one last job: guide the younger guns?

Lukasz Skorupski:

Shia Labeouf. Still young, but fairly promising. Skorupski in goal seems as explosive as the Transformers. Far from the finished article though. Needs more experience and time on the field (or in Shia's case: on the screen).

Defenders:

Maicon:

Will Smith. He's getting older but he's still quality, just look at his cv. Had a bad spell not so long ago (Man City - After Earth, Hancock) but he's slowly regaining his old form.

Vasilis Torosidis:

Josh Brolin.Good, not great IMO. Exchanging good periods (Gangster Squad and No Country for Old Men) with bad ones (Jonah Hex, Into the Blue). He's in his prime so don't expect any big improvements, what you see is what you get. And sometimes, you have to be grateful for that.

Rafael Toloi:

Zac Efron.My feelings about him are ambigious. He can turn out to be a pro but it stays a risk. There are better actors at his age, there are probably also worse. Does he fit in your budget for your project though?

Mehdi Benatia:

Ryan Gosling. One of the superstars of Hollywood. Praised and deservedly so. And he still needs to enter his prime years. A true (Hollywood) bad boy and lady killer. Keep him, keep him, keep him!

Leandro Castan:

Javier Bardem. They don't come any more consistent than this. Very good addition for your team, always delivers the goods. They had to work their way up (via the Brazilian league or Spanish movies) and now deserve their  place among the best. Javier did it with blockbusters like Skyfall and No Country for Old Men and Castan with season 2013-2014. Hard work does pay off!

Romagnoli & Jedvaj:

Robert Pattinson &Taylor Lautner. Raw. Mixed emotions about these. Still too young to thoroughly assess. You either love them or you hate them. But don't write them off just yet. They need to grow a beard and play in more serious projects (unlike the Twilight saga or Roma's bench) to prove their worth.

Dodo:

Justin Timberlake. Too much boy band and poster boy but one with potential. He's had some good spells  (In Time, The Social Network) so clearly the talent is there. Question is: when will he really explode on the scene? Or will he play second fiddle to the rest?

Balzaretti: Ben Stiller. Originally a good addition. Had already proven himself before (Palermo - Zoolander, Tropic Thunder) but I feel his best days are behind him. Hasn't really done anything mind-blowing lately. Maybe it's time for a younger version?

Midfielders:

Daniele De Rossi:

George Clooney. Another big star from the Hollywood red carpet, a veteran, loved by many. He's a no-brainer for your team, although he can sometimes make a strange career decision (Batman & Robin). Not getting any younger but he's still got some good years ahead of him.

Miralem Pjanic:

Michael Fassbender. Firmly on his way to become a superstar (Prometheus, X-Men, Inglourious Basterds). In short: he's got it all. But how will the praise and status affect him? He's popular and got many followers, it will be hard to keep him for your project if others come round with insane propositions.

Kevin Strootman:

Liam Neeson. A fighter, a warrior, a problem solver. Impossible not to love him even though he looks tough as nails. Always gets the job done (Taken and every other action movie staring Liam). Very, very welcome addition to our team because he's quality material.

Radja Nainggolan:

Jonah Hill. He looked promising, he was promising, he IS promising. A striking appearance to say the least. He is making a name for himself thanks to some recent successes (The Wolf of Wall Street, This is the End, 21 Jump Street). Finally, people are beginning to respect Radjonah. Keep an eye on him, you'll hear his name a lot in the near future.

Rodrigo Taddei:

Willem Dafoe. Seriously, look at some pics of both of them. Unfortunately, their careers are as good as done. Long gone were the days of the Aurelio, Real's header or Spider-Man and The Boondock Saints. It's time to say goodbye but they deserve a proper farewell for all they've achieved.

Alessandro Florenzi:

Aaron Taylor-Johnson. He's good at what he does, he's dedicated. Has really established on the big stage in recent years (Godzilla, Kick-Ass). Plus, given his age he will only get better in time. One for the future, no doubt.

Michel Bastos:

Macaulay Culkin. Quite a familiar name and face but his career has been going in a downward spiral. His cv looks great (Lyon, Lille, Schalke - My Girl, Home Alone) but that doesn't count in the modern world. Can't keep up with the others. Time to part ways.

Federico Ricci:

Josh Hutcherson. Oh c'mon, he's only a kid. Give him time, he'll make it.

Attackers:

Mattia Destro:

Andrew Garfield. Aka Hollywood prodigy. He's really swinging into a higher gear now (Social Network, Amazing Spider-Man). It would be foolish to let him go since he's just at the beginning of a huge career. The future is now and in is hands. Let's hope other clubs will not try to lure him away.

Adem Ljajic:

Joseph Gordon-Levitt. They're both special. They have done some great things in the past (Fiorentina - Inception/The Dark Knight Rises) and will continue to do so. But we can't be blind for some shortcomings as well (Premium Rush, G.I. Joe). It's a personal matter I'm afraid. I however am in the pro-Adem/Joseph camp. Boys like them don't come round very often.

Gervinho:

Patrick Wilson. It's all in the forehead. Apart from that, decent material! The good (Watchmen, The Conjuring, The A-Team) clearly outweigh the bad memories bad (Insidious 2).

Francesco Totti:

Marlon Brando. Iconic. Master. Superstar. The Godfather of Rome. Enough said.

Trainer

Rudi Garcia:

Daniel Day-Lewis. They've won in the past (title with Lille - Oscar for There will be Blood) and now they've finally made their mark again, in style (second place with Roma - Oscar for Lincoln). Both celebrated as professionals and likeable men. They're back in business and that's a good thing for both cinema and football.

One more actor...

That's that! I hope you've enjoyed our weekly tea party/Totti Tuesday. This blog will take a small break until the end of June. Thanks for all comments and visits!

I'll end in appropriate fashion: with a quote of another one of Hollywood's iconic actors.

"I'll be back!" - Arnold Schwarzenegger

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