The Roundtable: Requiem

Paolo Bruno - Getty Images

What happened after Juventus is the type of thing to which Darren Aronofsky will soon purchase the rights. There is very little Roma inside, but rather a social experiment in which the world, through thick plastic glass, watches the slow, tortured descent of two men into pure madness over the course of one evening as the result of a football club. This, arguably, is the truest representation of what it’s like to be a Roma fan the world has ever seen. Oh, the horror.

You shouldn’t read it, and if you complain, well, that's your fault. But it needs to go somewhere, and thus the creation of the new Roundtable section, which we can pretend does not exist.

But seriously – don’t read it. Minuscule amounts of Roma here; there’s even less good taste. PG-13, some NSFW, etc, etc.

(* - Lots and lots of YouTube/tunes. Lots. Very little of it is good.)

Roma: Afterlife

Dhaw: Obviously there are no 72 virgins here after Juve: Kill 'Em All.

Sabatini Alert: Low

Luis Enrique: First 6 games

Wins: 2

Draw: 2

Loss: 2

For: 7

Against: 6

Points: 8

Zdenek Zeman: First 6 games.


Wins: 2

Draw: 2

Loss: 2

For: 12

Against: 11

Points: 8

What's the fucking matter? Show some love people.

Jonas: Saba seems pissed during the postgame interviews maybe he and Zdenek need to share a smoke.

Chris: I can't give ZZ two wins - he technically only won one.

Jonas: That's what I'm gonna say on my Totti Tuesday too, you can't believe this Roma would have won in Cagliari, let alone 0-3. Zeman doesn't do clean sheets.

Dhaw: Technically, Zeman's team played Zeman football only once, the rest were LE football at its best. So I can't give him those losses and draws also then.

A Win is Win. Are you trying to question my Zeman loyalty?

Chris: I have acquired a savage headache since roughly kickoff. This is not a coincidence, I don't think.

Dhaw: I suggest you stop watching Gangnam videos starting from now. You are not helping your cause.

Chris: Gangnam is the only tonic for all that ails.

Dhaw: Did CdT crash right now?

Chris: God I hope so.

Dhaw: I really need someone out there to abuse one's mother and sister. Sat night needs to get exciting after what happened earlier today.

Be very honest the front page surely looks awesome on the entire platform - it's once you get inside it feels a little too clumsy and then those unnecessary icons and then there is this serious over-sell of Twitter & Facebook on SB.

I can spot 6 fucking buttons which have twitter & facebook on it. Do they think folks are blind that you need to slap 6 right in front of them that someone gets fucking lucky?

Chris: Sports fans, man.

You gotta play the percentages rather than the precision.

Dhaw: Reading CdT again and I cry a little every time I read someone say: Bench Totti.

Bren: Seriously, what the hell was that all about?

Dhaw: Does it make me a bad person if I wish they get stabbed in the butt?

Bren: Is there an urban dictionary dessert phrase for that?

Dhaw: On it sir, on it.

Well forget urban dictionary, let's just stick to "Cream Pie".

Chris: Leave you two alone for not even two hours and people are getting stabbed in the butt and eating pies. What the hell.

Dhaw: *shrugs*

That's how we roll in here.

Chris: [Link]

Dhaw: Memories.

Chris: I think this is my favorite individual performance since beginning Roma Offside/Cdt. Hot tunes.

Bren: Nothing says football like shitty ska music.

Dhaw: 2007 was something special

Luciano Spalletti.

Chris: My headache is just destroying me right now. This is the best tonic ever. Hero.

LUCIIIIIIIIIANNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Dhaw: This is why that song is so apt when it comes to Roma and Luciano.

"How I wish, how I wish you were here... We're just two lost souls. Swimming in a fish bowl, year after year.... Running over the same old ground .... What have we found? The same old fears, Wish you were here "

Sigh.

POOOOOOOOOOOOBAH.

Chris: I've achieved some pretty great stuff in my life.

None of it will ever top the moment I came up with TGIP.

Dhaw: TGIP followed by GOMR.

Sir, Legend is what you are on the Internet. [ed note: not true.]

Juventus vs Roma

1st half.

2nd half.

Chris: Only downloading this so I can screenie YOLO. Then I'm going back to listening to Pink Floyd and weeping over pictures of a shirtless Luciano in the brisk Russian air.

Dhaw: When I think of Afterlife, the only thing that comes to my mind is this.

That's how I think they'd be in the team bus, only difference their daddy ain't gonna to be laughing.

Chris: Was that supposed to be funny? Who polices YouTube?

Every time. Every single time. Giant smile.

(Did something happen to Roma again? Cuz I forgot.)

Dhaw: I'll run in the rain till I'm breathless, when I'm breathless I'll run till I drop, hey the thoughts of a fool's kind of careless, I'm just a fool waiting on the wrong block, oh yeah... Light of the love that I found

............................................

Chris: We're definitely doing one of those Roma playlist things for us. I'm going to alternate actual awesome songs with Rubber Ducky, You're the One. Which is even more awesome.

Dhaw: I actually had that in mind since we started shooting songs out here but then Roma happened twice in a week and somehow that slipped my mind. Let's come up with 10 songs apiece keeping Roma in mind.

Chris: One of my favorites: Miles Davis - Generique Alright. Tell me every single Roma fan can't resonate with this scene. Greatest movie scene ever. And my favorite flick.

Dhaw: I've never watched that movie and I shall do so tomorrow.

Chris: I have it on all three of my phones. Wish I were kidding. It's kind of the anti-Urban Dictionary.

Dhaw: Right now I think Stekelenberg is somewhere listening to this.

He must be feeling like shit. That's all I know.

Chris: Is that one of those songs where if you turn it loud enough, it can cause death? Because that's what I think he's going for right about now.

Dhaw: Well you gotta hear it and then picture Stek talking about Mauro Goicoechea in the song. That's all I can say.

And this is Daniele DeRossi. He has this on repeat for years.

Chris: Actually. Screw this place. We should rent a house in Rome and just outfit the place with webcams in every room, everyone lives there, and it streams to cdtroulette.com 24/7.

This is a much better idea than the seriousness required to make it happen will be achieved. [Speaking. English.]

Dhaw: More like Big Brother eh?

In this case Big Brother = Loria who will be singing this to all of us while watching us with those beautiful eyes of his ...... every day while we are in that house.

Let's make it happen.

Chris: And we could turn every weekend into an Eyes Wide Shut type thing with lots of Berlusconi Bunga Bunga rejects, and then all pretend like we didn't notice when Jonas and Loria go into a room alone together.

Dhaw: [Link]

Chris: I believe that's what we call "consent."

(As Mancini scratches his head.)

Dhaw: cdtroulette.com goes up and we can all bet our left nuts that within hours it's going to be.

Chris: Actually, we could run a bakery out front and then in the (way) back we could have a "dessert boutique" for perverted old Italian men, where we make our real money.

This is all coming together a little too cleanly.

Dhaw: Zamparini has to be our first guest.

Chris: By the way, "Hold on to your pillow" is the first thing that runs through my head every time I go to CdT nowadays to check up on the children.

We should probably make CdT branded pillows, too. Oh. That's good.

Dhaw: The kid's would wanna listen to Bob Dylan's : Mr. Tambourine Man once they get their pillows. Now change "Tambourine Man" to "Zeman" for me.

Can I get a pillow now.

This is Gold. I am shedding tears again and I am listening to the song and in my head changing those lyrics to "Hey Mr. Zeman" and this is ........just Gold.

Chris: We could make it with a strap like a messenger bag so that you can take it and hug it and weep into it wherever you go.

Change "Enter Sandman" to "Enter Zeman".

Dhaw: If this is what happens to us after a loss - I don't know what happens when we hit a winning streak. This place is coming down.

This is ..... Pure Gold.

[Erm…stuff.]


Chris: Speaking of, I'm totally switching [_______]'s byline to "cupcake" the next time he posts. Because I can.

Dhaw: Bradley's Cupcake.

Chris: Is there a UD entry on that? Something about licking the frosting off the top so that it's bald?

Dhaw: Brazilian Mancini (bald)?

Chris: Is that when you lick the frosting off without consent?

(Never. gonna. get. old.)

Dhaw: I am crying. I am.

Chris: We're going to have a weekly podcast now,

The It's Late On A Saturday Night And Dhaw's On Urban Dictionary Again Show.

Dhaw: While coming back upstairs I just pictured Baldini singing this.

Chris: Not this?

Dhaw: That should be Luciano's second coming song.

From Russia to Rome.

So now you'd better stop and rebuild all your ruins, For peace and trust can win the day despite of all your losing. (I can picture Spalletti saying that in the Olimpico while pulling a Gangnam move)

This is what Zeman is playing from tomorrow in Trigoria and meaning every God damn word

Chris: [Warning: NSFW] And this will be the setup to which the players enter.

Dhaw: The U-21 are shitting in their pants.

Chris: You aren't?

Dhaw: Actually today is the first time I've ever bothered watching 2 mins of Black Metal. This is music eh?

Chris: Lucky you. I went on a patented 850 Degrees of Kevin Bacon Wikipedia run one night and landed there. My world hasn't been the same since.

Dhaw: Just finished the video and all I have to say is: W.T.F.

This is probably where CdT pillow could have been of good use.

Chris: Here you go - the full DVD of that concert.

No need to thank me. Just enjoy those 55 minutes of clenching that pillow.

Dhaw: Can I have your "glowstick". Pretty please.

Chris: That's a vajazzle that needs no bedazzle.

That thing needs Jesus.

Dhaw: This entire conversation needs to be published.

Even 20 hours of Gangnam is not going to help by the time I am done with 55 mins of that.

Chris: Why is that DVD still playing? What is wrong with me?

Dhaw: I am asking myself the same question. I am on 6 mins.

Chris: I'm on six minutes as well. I should stream-of-consciousness this thing:

"Was this a psychological experiment? I think this is the first time I've seen skewered lamb head which isn't on a menu. I bet this guy eats a shit load of Ricola. Have these gents ever touched one of those girls? I hope those fine young lasses never have to work for the rest of their lives off this one paycheck..."

Dhaw: I look at those lamb heads and I am thinking of a Laziale.

Chris: The YouTube related videos section tells me they did a mash up with "God Seed."

Good to know. I'd been waiting on that.

Dhaw: They also have a "Ritual". I am curious now.

Chris: Like...at what point do you involve yourself at any level in this subculture and think, "This is a good life decision."

"90 seconds in starts to pick up a decent groove..."

What is wrong with me. Help.

Dhaw: I want Walter to come and take me away from here.

Chris: Are you 12, South American and full of "willingness"?

Dhaw: I'd be "willing" to be one right now.

Chris: That is kind of how a lot of youngsters get out of developing nations, ain't it...

This is certainly a developing nation of the internets right now. I think the previous playlist is officially cholera.

Dhaw: Are those real people on the cross?

Chris: Did you just notice that?

Dhaw: I noticed at the start but couldn't come to terms with it and then the "glowstick" comment had me thinking and I happened to see one of the chicks on the cross.

This shit sells?

Chris: Can't help but notice one of the females in the DVD prefers a very "natural outlook" on things. Bet she could use a sweatband on her upper thigh by the time that concert's done.

Dhaw: It’s funny how this meeting is labelled "Afterlife".

Chris: Second thought, that might be a penis.

Dhaw: Walter is coming for you now.

Chris: Third thought: scientifically proven that at no point can your life get any worse for a heterosexual male than, "Second thought, that might be a penis."

Dhaw: So this is what "Black Metal" does.

After 4-1, all that was left to see was a penis.

Chris: Went there to cleanse my soul finally and suddenly thought, "Is that Walter I can hear wheezing as he sprints?"

Dhaw: It's more like Berlusconi with Pato.

Chris: So much Fool In The Rain right now. So much.

"Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Non-maybe-penis thoughts. Happy thoughts."


Dhaw: After what just happened with Black Metal and the Penis .......

Chris: Losing a lot of things, paramount among them my mind.

Dhaw: Believe it or not, when the game vs Arsenal was over. All I could fucking think of was...

Man. so fitting

It was dark all around. There was frost in the ground, When the tigers broke free and no one survived.

Chris: I was an upstanding member of society before Co-meeting. I swear.

Dhaw: I was before Roma happened to me.

Chris: Anytime I come across any black metal I need to go watch some Care Bears just to cleanse my soul. I've got a varied palette, but that shit is fucked up, he said with intelligence and careful thought.

(My IQ drops 50 points whenever I enter this place, I swear.)

Dhaw: I leave my brain elsewhere when I am on CdT. I wouldn't worry about dropping 50 pts.

Roma : Octavarium : Roma : Octavarium : Roma.

Chris: Like 6 hours ago, I wanted to go to sleep. 4 hours ago, I actually tried. Now I'm thinking about picking up a drug habit for the benefits of Pink Floyd tunes and being a Roma fan. The hell is happening to my life.

Dhaw: Welcome to my world. 2012 has been something else.

You know it makes you think - if this was any other club by now we'd have given up. Probably most of us would've stopped watching football completely if that's how any other club tortured its fans.

One thing is evident that we are freaks and we certainly love "Pain" in the form of Roma.

Chris: I tried to go to sleep at 1045. It's now 356.

...

Dhaw: After the game I thought alright - let's try and crash and here I am wide awake and Led Z as always is the savior.

Chris: Led Z is banned from pregame for a while, though. Kashmir was bad jujus.

Dhaw: I think it's time for some Black Metal for the pregame. Let's Do It.

Chris: You're welcome.

That related videos section should be called "How to get yourself red-flagged by watchdog agencies on the internet."

Dhaw: I think I need another 0:59 seconds of Care Bears in my life.

Chris: I'm just trying to find Season 1, Episode 1 so that I can start from the beginning after I clear my week.

So...Led Zeppelin, Black Metal, Rubber Ducky and Care Bears.

Bout sums this place up.

I quit. Everything.

Dhaw: I just had an aneurysm.

Ouch.

Chris: I watched that earlier. For about 12 seconds. Just his tone already.

Dhaw: I've never heard him like this. Oh this stings now.

"Taddei was not a good day"


Roma - Black Metal - Penis - Depressed Zampa.

[Saturday ends…finally.]


[Sunday morning reveals the sordid horror.]


Chris: Last night confirms I really need to start drinking.

Dhaw: I woke up thinking of skewered lamb head and a penis and a Laziale.

I need to do drugs. That's the only way I am going to get through this.

Woahhhh.

Many players don’t deserve to wear the shirt," "We have to immediately change trajectory. Immediately. - Walter Sabatini

Jonas: Can't you photoshop Walter wearing the CdT t-shirt while he's holding on to a pillow?

Chris: We seriously need a Franco Batsignal around here. Where the hell is he in our time of need.

This inspires me: CdT branded cigarettes, and CdT watches, only sold in pairs.

Dhaw: I need a CdT bong. I am going to do drugs at this rate.

Chris: This place is drugs.

And the bong is a good idea, but last year we could've used the CdT branded elastic band. Maybe even a bent, pre-scorched spoon with the old cdt logo at the end of the handle. Nothing says church like freebasing.

Dhaw: I am watching "Gorgoth". Why did you do this.

Chris: There was one concert I saw where the stage was an expanded version of the Gorgoroth Krakow joint. I keep wanting to find it. "No. No. Stay away. No. Let it go, dude. Let. It. Go."

Just got my hands on the new Muse album - first song has me expecting a tuxedo'd Daniel Craig to emerge from the doorway - and this seems Roma apropos.

Dhaw: How do I go from Gorgoroth to this?

This is so Roma. What a drop.

Chris: Err...."drop"?

What the hell's happening to you?

Dhaw: Gorgoth happened to me and thanks to you.

Chris: It's like a train wreck. Or a snuff film. (I think.) Your stomach is turning, but your eyes aren't....

Dhaw: I moved from that DVD to Death Funeral @ Wacken 2012 and I don't understand shit but I am still watching and trying to hug myself.

[Moseys to the site.]

Chris: Hey Bren,

You don't seem the tattoo type from your internet dealings. I like the contrast.

Bren: I have a few—I’ve been in grad school mode for the past 2 years, so my writing is more proper than my actual demeanor.

Chris: And my demeanor is far more proper than my writing. Good balance.

Bren: I also didn't realize I gave off such a PG rated aura.

Chris: I honestly think it's simply a comparative thing. I mean...have you seen this place?

"Hard nipples, beavers & Elton John." We all look PG in comparison to that.

Dhaw: I will be lying if I didn't raise an eyebrow when Bren said he has a tattoo.

I think you need to go on poser mode and make us believe it. All eyes and I assure you Sabatini is never coming in this place.

Chris: I have several, including a working forearm sleeve. Wonder how many would expect that? (Probably everyone.)

This place gets more colorful by the day. We should add a tattoo booth to the CdT meetup, right next to the bedazzling setup.

Dhaw: I have to find someone with a Zeman tattoo and even if it turns out to be a chick with m-marlboro lines - I am marrying her. Simple.

Chris: Skipping to the important part: "marlboro lines"? Do I need to urbandictionary that? (Please no.)

Dhaw: Run your imagination wild here - you are good at it.

Chris: If this place has taught me anything, it's that my innocent eyes have been shielded from the urbandictionary world, and that my mind is far more wholesome than even I thought.

I couldn't even begin to imagine...

Dhaw: Talking about urbandictionary, I was at Safeway in the morning and walking past the bakery section and happened to spot "strawberry shortcake" and all I did was turn around and gtfo there. I am pretty sure I left some skid marks.

Never again am I going to eat that. Never.

Chris: I bet that bakery section is the most sexually deviant thing ever now.

[Dhaw happens.]

Chris: This place is a cesspool of not wanting to find context.

Note: I’m thinking about changing my CdT posting name to "Mr. Worldwide."

Zeman to Abate?

Oh, and...to bring it all together.... (Rozay's for Sterling. The fact that I can provide his clothing is too.)

Do you think I made it ten minutes without buying clothing simply as collateral damage in looking for a link to that shirt? Of course not.

[Grumbles. Receives package in the mail days later.]

Jonas: Speaking of shirts, does anyone know how the CdT t-shirt will look? I expect the symbol somewhere in it as are the colors.

First things I'm gonna do is [Jonas happens.]

God, thankfully there are no children in here.

Dhaw: DDR vs Zeman.

I love it.

Jonas: Maybe this is also a good thing, bitch-slaps and a wakeup call were (are) needed. I'll take whatever makes them more united and focused on Atalanta.

Chris: Starting to think Chiesa di Totti is the back room of the video store into which one must enter though a curtain and exit with nothing but shame.

That's what I'm going for, anyway.

Hey Dhaw - resident Roma video archivist: do you remember that game years back when Bogdan was with Fiorentina and put on The Show of All Shows against Roma? Is this in your Roma porn stash?

Cufre scored in that game too.

Found it. Wow. This is getting more trippy than black metal.

Toni and Cufre. Two undoubted bombers.

Watching those highlights, I have one thing to say:

FREE BOGDAN

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