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A Potpourri of Useless Flapdooodle

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852356009_6a3f815c6c_m1.jpgUpdate: In what can only be considered the upset of the summer, Roma's website has officially announced the transaction involving Chivu to Internazionale before Inter's website. Pigs be flyin.

The Festival:

Last night a party was held at the Olimpico to celebrate the 80th anniversary of the club, with Giallorossi young and old showing up to participate. In case you missed it, the kits were released. At least the home and away variety, nothing yet that I can tell on the alternatives. As expected, they're very plain and boring. They're the fashion equivalent of a Jane Austen movie. After about 30 minutes you basically just end up slacking your jaw and drooling for the remainder of the film. Unless of course it includes Keira Knightley, also during which most men will end up drooling, but for different reasons.

The exhibition went well. And by went well I mean there were no injuries to speak of, which worries everyone during games that don't matter (see: Julien Faubert - sucker). Ludovic Giuly announced his presence with a but, and Shabani Nonda announced his return(?) with a goal also. Simone Perrotta also netted a goal, as did Marco Delvecchio and Little David. The goals, courtesy of Stefan. I suppose it doesn't mean much, but we're after small victories right now:

Hey, Roma scored!

(I don't even want to know what Totti was doing to Conti and Pizarro in that video)

Chivugate:

Almost official. Almost. The deal will supposedly be announced within the next 12 hours. Marco Andreolli was whisked away from Inter's camp yesterday to start packing his bags and make his way to a better club. He'll reportedly tie up his personal financial details today, if he already hasn't, in anticipation of penning a contract once the move is made official.

As for that other nuck-futter, Chivu. His not-so-bright agent had this to say, before he went out and pleasured a three-legged dog:

"He wanted to be coached only by Roberto Mancini and that is what he will get. We’ve had an agreement with Inter for a long time."

I suppose that made Spalletti feel good. I'd rip into him, but it's so stupid, it's almost comical. Ask anyone in Serie A who is the better coach between Spalletti and Mancini, and 10/10 will answer Spalletti. This is the same Roberto Mancini who was on the verge of being canned earlier this year, until his billion-dollar team actually showed up and started playing near their potential. If he couldn't win Serie A with that squad post-Calciopoli he shouldn't be allowed to coach a u-12 squad comprised of handicapped baboons, aka Lazio aka Natalie from The Facts of Life.

* Chivu's press conference is happening right now, you can follow the transcript here.

Chivu has started CRYING at his press conference. Fuckin spare me.

English version being translated here.

I will give him respect for admitting it was about the money though:

"However, the opportunity was important, even to earn more."

Roman Nuggets:

I) Chippen's gone! Chippen's gone! Chippen's gone!

I'm glad Bolton will be enjoying his suckitude. For Bolton fans, here's a comparison: He's basically the footballing version of the Baconator. He's got a lot of flashy talent, he looks good on the menu (shut up Martha), but after he's done doing his work you basically end up wanting to die, and need the immediate services of a cardiologist.

Only in America would a company decide to take pig fat and an alien super-duper killing machine and put them together to create a meal. Next up, the Taco Bell burrito laced with Cialis: The Beefenator. (I apologize for that)

II) Sort of Roma related, all Serie A games will be available from serieatv.com next year. Giuseppe has the lo-down.

III) Roma has reportedly reached an agreement with WIND, a mobile company, to be at least next year's kit sponsor. Which is nice, it also means a lot more cash is coming in right at the moment combined with the Chivu transaction.

Hmmmm......

IV) Speaking of cash, more Cicinho rumors. But it will probably take awhile before anything is played out. I read something that said if Spalletti can't land Cici, he'll look to Ligue 1 to try and find his replacement. Which obviously brings two names to mind immediately: Jeremy Mathieu and Francois Clerc. I'm sure Clerc would jump at because Lyon to Roma is sooooo not a lateral move.

Realistically, it's doubtful Roma would want to deal with Jean-Michel Aulas, who isn't exactly known for handing out bargains or discounts. Mathieu is still supposedly pricey by Roma standards, so I tend to believe the theory that Roma will go after him on a free next year.

El Flapdoodle:

I) Your gratuitous cheesy 1980's soundtrack for the flapdoodle. Huey Lewis is The Guy. I will fight anybody to the death over this. And that duet with Gwyneth Paltrow never happened. You hear me? Never. Happened.

II) The Gift Corner

I'd buy this, but I'm pretty sure I'd never wear pants again. Which means I'm going to at least have to sleep on it.

III) I saw Enrique Iglesias on TV the other day, and I realized we need to break down the corresponding representatives of manhood. So, from most Zeus-like to superhero gay, here's my official break down:

Tier I) Francesco Totti - If you expected anything else at this point, I don't know what to tell you. I don't think "quick on the uptake" would be something you could truthfully throw on your resume.

Tier II) Maximus Decimus Meridius - It just does not get any more badass than Maximus. And you get major bonus points when you spark a child naming epidemic (Zlatan's son is named Maximus, obviously).

"I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next."

Damn.

Tier III) Dolph Lundgren aka Ivan Drago - He's like Steven Seagal, but without the "I just got kicked in the nuts by my buddy Wandering Fallice" voice. Oh, and he's a genius. I'm not kidding. Basically, dropping out of M.I.T. to make He-Man: Master of the Universe is the greatest decision in the history of mankind. A close second was Phil Mickelson getting breast implants.

If you're wondering, Dolph gets knocked down to the third tier for having dated this. Whatever it is.

Tier IV) - Hulk Hogan - Because of his pansy-ass reality show, the fact that wrestling is fake and Mr. Nanny. Most notably the last one.
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Type V) Enrique Iglesias - Quite simply, to bag Anna Kournikova you must be somewhat manly, provided you aren't a Russian hockey player. Still, every time I see him on television I can't help but thinking he walks around his house in a "Girls Don't Like Boys Girls Like Cars & Money" halter top. And I even respect the man (Hero was a great song - you can't deny that. If you can get Mickey Rourke to do the video, the song is officially heterosexual). But he's too in touch with his sensitive side to get any higher.

Tier VI) Zack Braff - After thirty seconds of his movies I typically can't decide whether I want to vomit or find the nearest bridge. A little bit of both. Watching Garden State is reason enough for a diagnosis of clinical depression. For too many reasons to name. I'd rather spend eternity watching a re-run of Mike Myers' face after Kanye West rants ending with "George Bush doesn't care about black people" than watch another ZB movie. Hell, who am I kidding. I'd love to spend eternity watching that.

What do you think it's like when Kanye and MM see each other out at Hollywood parties now? Do they ignore each other? Joke about it? I think they give each other one of those half-handshakes half-hugs without really touching and try to exit the room ASAP. Kind of like every time Lillian Thuram sees Nicholas Sarkozy.

(I feel like there was a "watching Alberto Gonzalez testify before Congress" joke somewhere in there, but I'm not sure the internationals would get it)

Tier VII) Orlando Bloom - I bet the day they started casting Pirates of the Caribbean somebody in the casting room made a joke about butt-pirates and someone else went "snap! we need to get Orlando Bloom." I expect in 5 years the cover of People Magazine will have Bloom and Braff re-enacting the basement scene from Pulp Fiction.

Type VIII) Alex Rodriguez - Nuff said. Superhero gay.

IV) We can't cure cancer, but we can invent a bra shaped like hands. That just screams class right there. It brings a new meaning to the phrase, "here, let me give you a hand with that."

* - This came up during my google images search of "Baconator." I'm too scared to even think how those might be related.

V) Zlatan's Corner

Quote of the Week


Zlatan about the rumour that he bought a super-Porsche.

"Absolutely not. I have ordered a plane. It is much faster."

Well duh.

Back by popular demand, Zlatan's 1 v 11 performance against NAC Breda, one of the best goals ever. Many of the lists documenting the best goals of all-time have this in the top 10 - deservedly so.

Zlatan is superman. I need to go to Sweden just to experience this Zlatan phenomena myself. Yeah, that's why.

VI) There really isn't much to preface with this one, other than to say it's all short films starring a mentally impaired marshmallow, whose girlfriend is a broom. I shit you not. Let's just say one of my buddies in college who figured a way around the NCAA's drug testing really enjoyed this one nearly every night. Along with Supertroopers. Needless to say, IOC rules aren't as easy to bypass (Duh, dude).

Recommended viewing:

Fluffy Puff Commercial
The Interview
Decemberween Shopping
The Best Decemberween Ever

I know. I'm a child.

VII) I'm just going to go ahead and take a wild guess that this guy has trouble getting dates.

VIII) Your gratuitous picture of a Scandinavian supermodel who may or may not do well to eat a sandwich. She's dirty.

* - I'm going to switch it up between Eastern European and Scandinavian for now, because I'm sure all of us want to be cultured in more than one region.

IX) Nike Football: Project Mayhem. One of my personal favorites during the pinnacle of Nike football ads.