So I'm sitting here tonight trying to write up a post on the big man targets of the week Roma seems to be pulling at from all angles, but it's not going well. Most of these guys I've remarked on once, twice, three, forty nine thousand times. I got to Mario Gomez and decided that he's the best thing to happen to German football since Rudi Voller's moustachio, but beyond that original content is hanging outside the window making funny faces at me. I started watching clips of Klaas Jan Huntelaar on YouTube but I just wound up trading two hours of my life for a nice big spot of drool on one of my favorite shirts. I tried to contemplate the impact of Amauri, but I couldn't get past wondering what the hell kind of product does he use in his hair and whether or not, if you get too close, it actually bites back at you. I saw Alberto Gilardino's name on the list and all I can think about is that 9.7 he pulled off at Celtic and whether or not maybe he should consider joining up the Italian Olympic swim team for the summer, because by then Silvio and Uncle Fester will surely have a 13 year old Brazilian who is the humanized love child of Optimus Prime and My Little Pony ready to replace him (best children money can buy - just like Jacko).
So instead? I'm leaving it up to you. You guys get to hear my schpiels all the time on this stuff. Now I'll just put up the best YouTuber videos I can find, and you guys decide who Roma gets. And then Rosella will go out and buy them because I tell her to.
(And if anyone questions the financial particulars, this is what Champions League money buys you...)
Mario Gomez (Stuttgart)
I would swap Daniele Prade's testicle in a minute for this kid.
So here's a stat:
It's March. He's 22. And just this last weekend, he scored a hattrick. (At leastWould've had a fourth but got hacked down from behind as he was coasting in. Unreal.
Price? Contract til 2012? €20m absolute minimum.
Nothin' fancy, just straight out goal scoring ad nauseam. Kid's as real a deal as it gets. (Some of this isn't him, but the internet is pretty devoid of Mario Gomez compilations. Tragic.)
And for the ladies.
Klaas Jan Huntelaar (Ajax)
There will be more on him later (soon, in fact, if you've bee reading up on your Roma News), but for now just watch. I'll proclaim my guilt at not following Ajax heavily this year or last, so it was complete news to me that KJH is the Dutch answer to Fab Quags. Knew he was good, didn't know he scored those goals.
A very real possibility even with Zampa at the helm. If he and The Totti have that sort of a kinship......tis possible, given Francesco's obvious impact on the market. Salary might require some finagling, but it's certainly workable.
Price? €25m (Firm, according to the nutbag himself.)
Alberto Gilardino (Milan)
So here's a thought, what if Gila dropped the Alberto, went with simply the one name, and then added an h to make it Gilardinho. Yeah? You know it would work. Not only would it change his whole self-perception, but Silvio could never sell a Brazilian. The guy would be Milanista for life.
Why these players don't hire me to advise them is well beyond my grasp.
Anywho, I don't want him. Everybody here knows what he brings to the table. But he needs to go learn at the School of Prandelli again and reclaim some of that Gialloblu magic.
(Had to dig deep for this one.)
And this is quite simply the reason the internet was invented:
* - Big next two days, prepare yourselves.