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The Roundtable: Juventus Never Happened

Because maladapted coping comes with a Roma fan card.

Valerio Pennicino - Getty Images

* - Standard Roundtable disclaimer here.

Juve: Kill 'Em All

Chris: Okay, this gets serious. Twelve goals, eleven bodies. Nothing less.

Sterling: This is going to be so much fun. I'm probably going to just stay up all night and deliriously watch a terrible stream on Sunday morning after a Saturday full of soccer and a Saturday night full of Detroit techno.

Jonas: Detroit techno? I prefer.....OPPAH ROMA STYLE, HEEEEEEEEY SEXYFAAAAAAACE (Taddei)

The Gangnam dance is just... mindblowing; should be the team's official pregame warmup.

Goicoechea - Taddei Burdisso Castan Balz - Flowrida DDR Markinhoe - Lopez Ozzy Totti

I know Lopez is a question mark but he can't be THAT more awful than Lamela? And all three of Destro/Ozzy and Totti won't work against Juve's robust CB defence, we need fast guys to tear them up (Florenzi, MarQuinho, Lopez... *gasp¨* Goicoechea)

Speaking of Goicoechea, I've watched his Youtube vid some time ago, the man has more assists than DDR and Pjanic combined in Giallorosso.

I'd however opt to play him after Juve. I mean c'mon, he doesn't even have EUROPEAN experience. Stek or Lobont it will be (Zeman has stood up for Stek during the postgame interviews).

Chris: I quite agree - stick with Maarten til after we get reminded as to why Serie A is a defense-first league. [Weeps silently.]*

I don't understand why Nico was deemed better than Bojan and now isn't netting minutes; he seemed a clear tonic yesterday [versus Sampdoria], and the only explanation I have is Zeman deemed the lesson more important than the results, so everyone stayed on the pitch. He's got that longitudinal dynamism ZZ requires and the team could use more of with Totti as one of the three forwards. [*ed note: Sorry...]

Bren: A Juventus/Old Metallica album thread....interesting.

Chris: It was between this and Skrillex's 'Kill Everyone'. Figured it's time he gets a rest.

Bren: I actually don’t really know who or what a Skrillex is.

Chris: It's a what. And neither does anyone else.

Bren: I guess the [comments on last Roundtable; edited for good taste] portion wasn't fit for public consumption.

Chris: I have some boundaries.

They're not very high.

But they're there.

Bren: That Psy/Gagnam part was great, I had honestly forgotten about that - I hope people realize there's a link there.

Chris: The one thing I noticed that I don't like is that while the new link is bright red, the clicked-upon link, which saves to your cookies, is gray and a lot harder to see. So for someone checking that link the first time, it should be a lot more visible.

I just flipped the Sampdoria Roundtable link into the browser for my actual life, not Roma life, and all the links are red...except for the Gangnam 10h elevator video. God I need help.

[Dhaw crusades in to comment on previous roundtable.]

Dhaw: Shouldn't have edited that. No. No. NO.

Chris: I figure we can charge people for a temporary login to see what really goes down. 14.95, 10% discount for anyone who was molested by Menez's uncle.

Jonas: I expect at least four red cards this weekend... I've barely seen such a contested and heated pregame (it's been going on ever since we appointed Zeman).

Chris: I'm a little disappointed this match comes at the end of a week in which there was a game, otherwise the 5 days of build-up probably would've resulted in a mass homicide. Likely by a Juve coach. (Ho!)

Dhaw: I am trying my best to contain my excitement for this game - this game is going to be a whuppin'.

Secretly I am praying that if we are to lose this game - we lose it in some controversial manner - like a stupid red card, an offside goal, an undeserved penalty. I'd love to lose like that against Juventus tomorrow.

And on the other side I am secretly praying we win like that to spice some shit up.

Fuck fair n square - this is War with Juve.

I am trying to pick up my song from today till match day.... so let's see what's going to be on repeat for me.

Chris: I just got an email and I hate Osvaldo.

That is all.


Chris: One gets the feeling it ain't gonna be Juve. Their defense sucks. Because it doesn't.

Dhaw: Let's throw some optimism here. How many times has that defense been challenged? Hardly.

Now Zeman is not sitting back - even when he is 2-0 up so obviously he is going to test that backline and somewhere all of us are going to be praying we don't get bitch-slapped on counters but hey who are we fooling - that's exactly what's going to happen and tomorrow that offside trap is going to be taken to the cleaners.

This is one of those games where Zeman's philosophy has to shine - score one more than your opponent.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Chris: You have lots of Oppa-timism.


Fair warning: my extremely lacking desire to write an actual preview has me searching the internets for a chat medium to publish a 16hour or so liveblog for everyone.


Dhaw: I have no doubt that if it's for "everyone" then you will be refunded your money after the game. Those admin people will feel sorry after they read what happens at CdT especially tomorrow.

I am expecting to lose some fans tomorrow.

Chris: Rereading the Sampdoria thing all I can think is...

What The Fuck Just Happened Here. Also the title of my memoirs.

Jonas: Roma happened Chris. Any sane person would stop supporting this club after two weeks. We're all mentally retarded in a way (cmon at least admit it).

Chris: Admit it? I embrace it. I've got the contagious Down's Syndrome.

[mumble mumble mumble]

Chris: Guy goes to a doctor with a duck growing out of his head. "My god," says the doctor. "What happened to you?" "Well," says the duck, "it all started with this thing on my foot."

Dhaw: Dazed & Confused & Ducked. Let's keep this up.

Chris: Thought: we make printable Loria masks.

[Emphatic nos. A hypothetically nude Jonas appearance, etc.]

Dhaw: Anyone of you here got your hands on FIFA 13 yet?

Bren: Funny you should mention that, I'm extremely bored right now, so I was actually about to step out and pick it up...seems like it got glowing reviews.

Dhaw: Get it. What you waiting for. Stop staring at US Women Soccer team. Get going.

Bren: Got, they really did nail Destro's hair, it’s spot on. But, good God they underrated everyone on Roma. The game seems similar to last years, though the movements seem more fluid...I think I've bought everyone for the past 10 years, I keep saying I'll skip a year or two, but I always get that itch this time of year.

Dhaw: Cannot blame EA. Roma sucked last year.

Bren: Well I was hoping for a few more players at least 80.

Dhaw: I am sure if you play manager mode then the likes of Pjanic and Lamela and Destro are going to grow in 1-2 seasons and hit their potential.

It's playing online that's a challenge but then half of the nitwits play with Barcelona or Madrid so even if there were few players with 80, it wouldn't matter.

Roma is a challenge.

Chris: Despite not having played a video game since college, that seems the next progressive step in the process of sailing my life away which has become the Good Chip Chiesa di Totti.

(Freud would be proud of that.)

We should all get it and play against one another.

I got my copy in some fucking metal case waiting in [____]. Cannot wait to get back and Sterling better be up for some games.

Funny, he sent me a photo of the game a couple weeks back and having not seen a photo of one for a very long time, I genuinely thought it was Destro, because they nailed the hair.

That's got to be worth somethin'

Wha's hattnin' with Mrs. Loria?

Dhaw: Mrs. Loria is nowhere to be found. Probably she is looking for Jonas or Uncle Mike.

Chris: I need to pick up women with Mancini lines through you again.

Dhaw: Credit must go to Loria though.

Chris: True. He always gets credit when it comes to incestuous lust.

If you go into Google Images and search Loria under the "Large" size, nothing shows up but a couple of action photos.

Who knew Google had a good taste filter?

Dhaw: Loria The Space Pirate.

Chris: That same Loria search netted this. Who puts that shit in their cappuccino? “You drinkin’ a lil’ Pepe tonight?”

Dhaw: Lichtsteiner vs Totti-Balz.

Now that's going to be something.

Chris: Totti-Balz sounds like something on ubrandictionary which would require a pillow for other reasons.

Dhaw: I am slowly but surely about to move from Dazed & Confused to Kashmir and yes....

What a riff.

Chris: I think Kashmir nails it. Too soon in the season to listen in some cashmere?

Oh, there goes my half-uterus again...

Fool In The Rain
might be my favorite song of all time. The title might fit here too. Let's hope not. (Oh shit, it's raining in Torino. Argh...)

Juve's expected: Buffon, Barzagli, Bonucci, Chiellini, Caceres, Vidal, Pirlo, Marchisio, De Ceglie, Vucinic, Matri.

That defense makes me want to cry a little.

Jonas: In Osvaldo faith I have. They're strong but not the fastest men of Serie A. A Lamela on fire could do some damage,too bad Apple is in downward spiral nowadays

Chris: While we're on a Zeppelin kick, I think Juve fans descend to the same circle of hell as those who pronounce it 'Die-er May-kerr'.

It's pretty fucking low, that one.

I can't get SopCast working and the game is 20mins away. My blood pressure is officially John Candy over Louie Anderson.

Dhaw: I've never sprinted like this ever before - the bellboy at the hotel was like are you okay? I was like fuck no.

*pants off* :D

Hello Roma.

I made sure I blasted Kashmir in my rental car also while getting back to the hotel. I love it. I am beyond pumped. As I am typing this - it's on full. Jimmy Page, you bastard.

Chris: See, that needs to be documented on the official cdtroulette glasses cam.

Dhaw: All I need is a good stream - being naked has never felt this good, that's saying sumthin' eh? If Roma pull this off - Kashmir is my official song for the season.

Chris: Zeman x Roma is the new sweatpants x vasodilator.


Words. Don't got em.


Dhaw: Apple Apple Apple - He needs to learn fast. He’s beginning to just kill my Zeman buzz.

And we all know, we can't let that happen.

Chris: Clusterfuck appears in the Roma box this time. Oh, that's not good. That's not good at all.

Dhaw: Taddei is being raped as of now. Wow. Taddei is everywhere.

Chris: The entire defense is everywhere. It's like...well, a quote regarding Jonas and Loria was going to go here, but you get the picture.

Dhaw: First offside for Osvaldo. A’ight, he is scoring one today. I have conveniently *muted* the Italian commentary and have Kashmir playing.

This my friend feels GOOD.

Stek is going to kill it today, he just is. God, what's happened to this giant.

[Marchisio. @#$%]

Nice dive eh, Even Mr.Bean couldn't do it like that.

[Pirlo. @#$%+$& *&^%]

I wanted him to score - I already predicted BS goals, BS calls, BS red and so on.

This is all I want today. Whoever wins.

Chris: Think Taddei stays on the pitch through the half hour mark?

[Castan’s arm happens.]


Dhaw: I LOVE MYSELF. I could've gone and played Mega Millions today.

Alert!! CdT in Meltdown mode.

Chris: Fuck CdT. I'm in meltdown mode.

Dhaw: Ah man, I have nothing but laughter. Kashmir sounds all the more better.

This was expected. Who are we kidding eh?

2 things are for sure happening.

1) Roma makes the mother of all comebacks.

2) Zeman is going to tear Rizzoli and Juve apart in this presser.

LOVING IT. McDonalds needs to make me their Mascot right now.

Chris: If this games ends with Roma at ten...well, it just won't.

I think I made too many Mancini jokes and that's what this is. Karma. And empathy.



Dhaw: This is Stek's last game. I don't see him getting another game after this.

This is exactly why I wanted Roma to get another midfielder. Too much pressure on Kratos and Florenzi and they are not used to this and especially when Daniele DeRossi is still in lalala land.

Chris: The entire back line has a yellow now. There is no way they end with eleven. I'll be bullshit if Zeman isn't sent off too. And comes to hang out.

Dhaw: I'd like Zeman to pull out Kratos and put DDR there. Daniele is lost on the right. He cannot play there. He doesn't know what to do. Viviani is going to fight real hard to take the captains armband from Florenzi when the time comes.

Chris: January?

I miss Pjanic.

Dhaw: I do too. Badly.

Kratos just crumbled today. One of those days they all decide to never show up. Not a single player there even cares and I don't blame them.

Chris: Taxi's been a shell for a couple of games now.

Dhaw: I love you too.

Chris: I think my eyes just vomited.

Dhaw: I am surprised the long balls haven't started, just yet. And it's started. Nice.

At times it's good to be blind. This is one of those days.

Chris: Daniele's been poor. Daniel's been poor. No more Dans.

Dhaw: I've been saying this for a while now - after he got his new contract he has been utter shit. At times our love for our lads stops us from accepting certain facts.

Chris: He's also coming off the Euros, Zeman training and an injury. I can't fault him right now.

Dhaw: Honestly, that's not an excuse for a player of his calibre. If we call him "world-class" then he doesn't need to take forever to adapt and it's not that someone asked him to play as a striker.

This is bread and butter stuff. Win the ball - pass the fucking ball. Win the ball - pass the fucking ball. He's had his rest. What does he want? A year off? Now imagine if we had Europa to play for. Luis did just 2 things right apparently.

1) Taddei

2) No Europe.

[Destro wins his PK]

Chris: Destro's Babies. New blog name.

Dhaw: I'd let Stek take this. One of these days Destro is going to make one of those beautiful turns and BANG.

Seriously, what is Daniele doing; I can't even see him like this.

Sterling: I'm furiously cooking right now. It's the only thing I can do to hold on.

Dhaw: Blast some Kashmir. It helps.

Sterling: I'm going to put on Biggie's "Unbelievable." Because Balzaretti is the illest. Literally.

Has Lamela looked this shitty since Argentines were burning a stadium?

Dhaw: It's time to play him on the left or just bench him. He cannot play on the right and especially in that role.

Sterling: I'm literally making incredible pasta sauce con melanzane and focusing on getting 50 miles down to San Jose right now. I can't take this shit.

I'd rather watch Rick Ross in an oil wrestling match with Simplicio than continue to endure this.

Chris: I'm now both hungry and pissed off. I hate you.

Though the Ross x Simplicio mental imagery is doing wonders for not grabbing some chow.


Dhaw: Apart from the Inter game - they've not even played 25% of Zeman's football and that's probably a worry for most but nothing was ever going to work till November-December. 2nd half of the season is where shit starts flowing.

Outta first 6 games I expected 10 points, right now it's 7. It's alright. Just need some consistency and it works and now that's a good goal by the Ant.

Time to bring back Piris I think.

Alright, I am hungry.

Have half a mind to walk outta my room naked and get jailed.

Chris: Squirrel just seppuku'd off the sunlight.

Clearly a Roma fan.

Dhaw: Grazie Roma.

Sterling: grumblegrumbleGrazieRomagrumblegrumble

Chris: Just spotted "We need Bradley." in the comments.

I quit.

Sterling: I should reply "WE NEED WONDO." That would be proper trolling. But I'd be the only one who'd find it funny.

Bren: I’m confident Bradley will find a consistent role in the team, if nothing else, he's solid and relentless.

Dhaw: He is not a match winner. Simple.

He is not your game changer. It's not that Florenzi and Kratos and DDR are ruining anything - they just are not doing their thing. The midfield of Zeman asks all 3 of them to help the attack and help the backline and all 3 of them are finding it hard to do.

Florenzi yes has been working his socks off and has managed to do something but it's basically running, running and more running.

Again if you remember - Rosi could run too but he was wasteful and just wasted a spot.

Bren: Well when I say 'relentless', I don’t mean that his sole value is his stamina, he's a solid player-Roma doesn't have the funds to field 11 superstars, so you need a few glue guys here and there.

I don’t know, I've just always liked him and if he doesn't succeed at Roma, it’s just more rationale for American bashing (in a soccer sense). That is to say, it looks as though he's lost his spot thanks to an untimely injury, so I’d hate to see a bunch of " Americans can’t play in Europe'' non-sense.

Dhaw: I do not have anything Michael, I know he is a solid team player - he is a notch above Brighi if I have to say and I've always admired Brighi.

I know Michael is going to get games and he will surely find his footing and do well and I'd like him to do well at Roma but to say him being out there is going to change anything - that's something I am not going to agree just yet.

That's something DDR should be doing and he is pissing the fuck outta me, has been for a while but I've let the Roman love take its course but let's call a spade a spade - DDR needs to get his head outta his ass and adapt quickly and stop missing Luis Enrique.

Coming back to Bradley - I'd like to see him instead of Kratos in the next game.

Bren: If all things are equal among our non-DeRossi/Pjanic midfielders, I trust Bradleys experience over that of Marquinho or Tachtsidis etc.

Chris: I have no comment. I have a fucking headache. May or may not be Roma's fault.

But anyone who suggests ridding Rosi, a victim of Murder 8 (I don't know what that is but that shit would be severe) by the tifosi years ago were he not a Roman, was a mistake can die in a fire.

Dhaw: ie

The only thing that upset me today was "NO YOLO".

Chris: Today made me think again, "Never slaves to the result, but that bitch can tell me what to do and I'll do it."

Dhaw: This result was expected - it was always going to be one team who was going to get hammered today and that team was Roma the moment the whistle went off.

Why they are so tired is kinda making me scratch my head but I guess he's been making them work hard even a day before the game.

Anyway, November it is but what was interesting for me was Sabatini coming out and saying something that he should've said in August, not end of September.

Chris: Sabatini's overrated. Just like Corvino.

Said it.

Dhaw: Holy Shit. Half-uterus on fire and on meltdown mode. "Fire in the hole, Fire in the hole".

Chris: Are we talking about Belen now?

Dhaw: No comments.

Okay so now what - bring back Prade & Montella next year?

Chris: No, not saying to fire him by any stretch - just that he's good at spotting talent but building a team is a different concept. He's just not a savior or at the tippity top of his profession.

Dhaw: Of course. I agree with you on that but no one seems to realize that this American group has money but they've put it elsewhere and only way to make this so called "project" (hate that word) work is by doing what they are doing and this was always going to be tough in Serie A.

I was the first to say that the midfield of "Tachtsidis, Florenzi, Bradley, Daniele" is going to be raped 50% of the times and that's just happening. They had to pick up one solid midfielder outa somewhere, especially a regista who was badly missed today.

Regarding CB - well can't do shit without Europe and Sabatini surely fucked up with the fullbacks by picking Piris and missing out on Torosidis and counting on Taddei.

I don't even want to know what would've happened if Balza was not here.

Again, it's just 6 games and I am glad we can see all the fuck ups right now rather than waiting till the year to finish. January has to be busy for Baldini & Saba and Zeman needs to figure out a way and I think it's time for him to slot DDR back in the middle. He needs to make some changes.

Lamela needs to be benched or moved somewhere else. Has to find a way to play Pjanic in this team and Zdenek needs to stop being hell bent on playing Totti as LWF just for few games.

Atalanta, Genoa, Udinese, Parma, Palermo - That has to amount to 15 outta 15. No excuses. Zeman or no Zeman.

I'd then be okay with the goat fuckers winning.

Bren: I think we nearly doubled the Juve blog’s comments, so we got that going for us, which is nice.

Chris: And Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga own YouTube....

Bren: I think that honor belongs to Psy now.

Chris: Oh, okay. Then popularity wins!

Dhaw: I admit, today after the game when I decided to head out for lunch - I stood still in the elevator.

I Swear.

Chris: I just went to urban dictionary and my eyes didn't bleed. Is that a first?

Okay...really need to avoid even looking the lists on the left.

Dhaw: Look for "Loria" in urban dictionary. God dammit.

Chris: That place is a wasteland. There's no way I wander in there even with knowing exactly what I'm going for, horse blinders on. It's like...well, probably like something you'd find in there.

Dhaw: I was just introduced to it couple of months ago and some of the things I've learned have disturbed me. I don't even feel like looking at the "Oxford" Dictionary sitting on my desk anymore.

"Did you hear? The police have just posted a warning on Sex to watch our children. Loria just moved into our neighborhood!"

Jonas better show up here fast.

Chris: Jonas goes running for sex offenders? That explains a good deal.

Dhaw: Okay this one somehow I can relate to, I think.

I just typed in "Zdenek" and I get the following:


Dude, I am no longer eating Strawberry Shortcake. It's been one of my fav dessert, not anymore. That left side is horrific.

Chris: I have a feeling that thing could destroy a good dessert menu; too many cream-based delectables to manipulate.

On that thought, I might go around and just pretend like desserts are urban dictionary entries without even knowing it.

"Brah, I'd give that girl such a rich chocolate souffle."

"What a mint chocolate chip gelato I got last night."

"I totally birthday caked with her."

Dhaw: You are so proper.

Chris: This is literally the only place I talk like this. You know, document it and everything... I'm actually quite proper in real life. Shockingly. "Frasier 2.0"

Dhaw: Alright this one is for bad times - ever feel like shit, just go to urbandictionary and type in "Chris".

Chris: And develop an identity disorder? Self-loathing? What?

[Dhaw proceeds to list an Urban Dictionary entry for everyone’s name. It's bad. Really, really bad.]

Chris: There are a lot of things needed here.

Class is one.

That is not.