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All They Want For Christmas...

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Dancing Santa ain't what it used to be. Neither is makeup.

USA TODAY Sports

Exclusive rights to the AS Roma Christmas list, here. I don't know how we got it, but someone somewhere tugged something. I mean pulled some strings. Or: CdT happened. As usual, of course - you know how it goes.

Like the best gifts, most of these things cannot be bought with an known currency. But Maarten Stekelnburg can. Seriously. Anybody in Serie A got some Christmas gift cards they want to use up?

Maarten Stekelenburg: Jeff Gillooly's phone number and Mauro G's home address.

Julio Sergio Bertagnoli: Time machine and a perm inside his perm. Permception.

Bogdan Lobont: Nothin'. He's @#$%ing Bogdan Lobont, yo.

Mauro Goicoechea: Spanx.

Ivan Piris: One of those Men In Black flashie things. September...gone. And boom, he's the new Cafu.

Rodrigo Taddei: A way to be less goddamn beautiful.

Marquinhos: A retainer.

Leandro Castan: Finder's fee for Marquinhos. Preferably paid in denominations of bunga bunga.

Nico Burdisso: A move to Monaco. But then don't we all. Of course he's the only one doing it for a gray-haired fox rather than blonde bombshells.

Alessio Romagnoli: A loan deal to a shit team in Serie B.

Federico Balzaretti: His Palermo legs. And hair bands. Definitely more hair bands.

Dodo: An injury to Balza, forty yards of open grass, the ball, and a coach who doesn't care about bad decisions, but likes flashy runs.

Taxi: A fare lady. (Sorry.)

DDR: All journalists of the world to die in a fucking fire. Politely, of course.

Simone Perrotta: The shooting boots he's just acquired and a time machine back to 2007. Guaranteed Ballon D'Or.

Marquinho: For anyone other than Zeman to realize he's an "hour-mark man." Ahem.

Michael Bradley: For WADA to relax the anti-doping laws on Rogaine. Can't a brother get some follicles?

Miralem Pjanic: Marchetti in net. Every. Single. Time.

Alessandro Florenzi: Ivan Piris' MIB flashie thing second hand, and to erase everything since mid-October.

Erik Lamela: Hair gel. And teeth whitener. And hair gel. And hair gel. And some more hair gel. And oh, a new contract will do nicely as well.

Nico Lopez: [Angry glare at Zeman.] Alright. Nevermind.

Mattia Destro: Rihanna CD, hair curlers, and belly shirts to go dancing. Or: your 15 year old sister's Christmas haul.

Pablo Osvaldo: Anger management classes and Doritos dipped in Nutella. Cool Ranch. Light on the ranch, heavy on the cool, daddy.

Francesco Totti: For Santa to stop sending his own personal damn wish list.

Totti's already the gift that keeps on giving.