clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Totti Tuesday (the Monday edition): ‘SAW, Jaws and sexual revolutions’

ROME, ITALY - APRIL 28:  Luis Enrique  the coach of AS Roma holds the ball during the Serie A match between AS Roma and SSC Napoli at Stadio Olimpico on April 28, 2012 in Rome, Italy.  (Photo by Paolo Bruno/Getty Images)
ROME, ITALY - APRIL 28: Luis Enrique the coach of AS Roma holds the ball during the Serie A match between AS Roma and SSC Napoli at Stadio Olimpico on April 28, 2012 in Rome, Italy. (Photo by Paolo Bruno/Getty Images)
Getty Images

I’m posting this a tad earlier than expected since Roma’s got a game on their hands tomorrow, namely in Chievo. Obviously, the FIGC doesn’t visit Chiesa di Totti and doesn’t know that MY schedule has to be turned over instead of theirs. But hey, who am I joking? One Roma game is as much drama as hundred of my posts (puns about sexual feelings towards goats or Taddei’s face structure not included).
Plus, I like posting Tuesday blogs on Monday. Makes me feel like a Marco Antônio De Mattos Filho Marquinho aka MADMF (also pronounced as mad madafaka in gangsta regions, Sabatini nods approvingly).

Last week it was Katy Perry’s turn, this week I’m leaning more to The Clash. Namely should I stay or should I go? Or more specifically: Should LE stay or should he go? Obviously, a lot depends on whether Roma reach Europe League or not (so LE’s faith depends on EL? It’s all in the capitals people) and how Roma will end their season. One point after the double Fiorentina-Napoli is just to few. I expected a lot more from Roma after the Juve debacle. One good half out of four (Napoli first 45’) does not improve the squad or tifosi morale, let alone bring us the much needed points.

And yet remarkably, this Roma can still reach CL. Third spot still at minus five points but only three games left to play while Roma’s state at the moment is leaning more towards ‘where the frack is my panic button’ instead of ‘I want to cuddle with that pink fluffy unicorn’.
The Fiorentina game was pure drama: ecstacy after Totti’s deflection, horror after Lazzari’s late winning goal. I don’t blame LE for that goal, Roma had to win in order to take a massive step towards Europe. A draw would have been of little use (but still better than a loss I admit). I hoped for an Udinese scenario but alas, once again we conceded on a counter.
Subbing Tallo for Heinze maybe was a little too exaggerated but in all honesty, we Roma tifosi love to exaggerate. Especially when it comes to insulting, strangling, punching,beheading, scalping… (enter another word from the SAW franchise’s dictionary here) Roman coaches.

Napoli was yet another example of this rollercoaster season: they did a good job in the first half, entered the break with a lead but then they quickly conceded and lost confidence. Enter Cavani, 1-2 and the Olimpico was ready to storm the pitch and do a ‘Genoa’: ask the Roma players to take off their giallorosso because they are simply not worthy to wear it. And the sad part is, most of them are. Totti, DDR, Taddei among others have shown their passion and commitment to the colors and thus wouldn’t need to take their shirts off in my opinion. Although I can’t imagine the women in the Olimpico not wanting Totti’s shirt, you can make babies with his sweat.

To sum it up: here we are again, throwing in names left and right for the person who coulda woulda shoulda possibly, maybe, definitely replace Luis. And preferably also ¾ of our squad for next season. Transfer Silly season can’t start soon enough.

There are some questions however. Question one: will the management accept their fault to put LE in charge? Question two: is the rumoured trainer free AND does he want to come to the ugly, rusty shipwreck that is Roma? And question three: why am I having these threesome dreams involving Taddei and Simplicio wearing a wonder bra?
Fact is, under LE Roma have barely made an improvement since September. Play average to good one day, lose the next two games. Lose 10 out of 14 away games. Have a top 3 finish in our sight one week, end up 7th the next. In all honestly, if we had to face Slovan Bratislava next weekend, I think they’d still make an as bad performace as in August. But we all agree Slovan Bratislava is like the Barcelona of Eastern-Europe right?

Fun fact of the day; Lamela’s favourite animal is a llama.
Fun fact of the day 2: Cavani will star in the next James Bond movie, playing the role of Jaws. Somewhere, Daniel Craig is crying.


• There are reports that Stekelenburg is out for the remainder of the season. It baffled me btw that LE started Lobont against Napoli after Curci did a good job against Juve and Fiorentina. Buffon he is not but he showed he’s a decent alternative on the bench. And he’s Roman. And he can wear a ridicolous wedding suit while keeping his Italian cool. Something tells me LE thinks Lobont is younger than Curci thus prefering him to Gianluca. Which is utterly stupid considering Lobont looks 70.

• My feelings towards Simplicio have been as unstable as Spain’s stock market lately. Sell him, keep him, sell him… He did score four goals in only seventeen games, in most of them he even started on the bench. I say, keep him around until at least January 2013. Besides, a family is never a true one without its chubby, jolly, cuddly, fast-food-loving family member.

• After all this misery in defense, I’m starting to miss Loria Scurto Guillermo Burdisso Cassetti (yes I’m a sadist).

Lady Gago surely needs a pair of oversized pokerface glasses after his miss against Napoli. Whether to buy him outright or not is still up in the air but it seems to me that he does feel twice as confident when DDR is around in midfield. Bad luck has prevented him from playing regularly alongside Daniele and Pjanic. I’m curious to see how Baldini and Saba will assess him in June (same for Kjaer). Marquinho on the other hand has integrated quite well and his runs into the box remind me of Perrotta anno 2006-2009. Useful player, not only in mid but also on LB as the Fiorentina match showed us. Cafu would be proud of him. Angel? Not so much.

That’s it for now guys, let’s hope for an away win tomorrow. Last time Roma won an away game, it was 1967, Lobont had a midlife crisis, a young Taddei was leading the sexual revolution and donkeys could fly. Now wait and see if eleven wolfs or eleven lambs enter the Bentegodi stadium against the donkeys… Nature can be cruel sometimes… But not as cruel as the life of a Romanista anno 2012. Or suddenly waking up from a dream date with Jessica Alba.

“It feels like a Champions League tie.” – Miralem Pjanic, 2012, prior to the Juve-Roma game. A game which he lost 4-0. Now we know why they are afraid of 3rd.