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Totti Tuesday: ‘Monokinis, fetal position and dinosaurs’

ROME, ITALY - MAY 05:  Francesco Totti of AS Roma shows his dejection after missing the penalty during the Serie A match between AS Roma and Catania Calcio at Stadio Olimpico on May 5, 2012 in Rome, Italy.  (Photo by Paolo Bruno/Getty Images)
ROME, ITALY - MAY 05: Francesco Totti of AS Roma shows his dejection after missing the penalty during the Serie A match between AS Roma and Catania Calcio at Stadio Olimpico on May 5, 2012 in Rome, Italy. (Photo by Paolo Bruno/Getty Images)
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Only one more game and Roma’s Serie A season 2011-2012, also known as ‘whaddafuck just happened’, is officially over. And it seems it will end as a rather grey one: no Champions League hymn in the Olimpico next season (well at least not for the Giallorosso side of town) and also no Europa League aka the ugly, bullied kid of European football. And so cometh the speculation: will LE stay or will he go? Who will replace him? Will Saba sell all of his teenage dirtbag posters in order to buy Musacchio, Garay or Vertonghen? I’ll leave the rumor mill into the safe hands of but I cannot help but feel disappointed about this season.

The 3 P’s (Project, Patience, Pain) were all there but the fourth one, Points, looks rather meager at this… uhm point. With all of Inter, Lazio, Napoli, Fiorentina, Palermo , Udine having difficulties and inconsistent performances, a top five would really have been the minimum for this Roma, looking at its squad and finances. We had it all: a great goalie, a bunch of ex-World Cup winners, a trainer who likes tiki taka, a badass football director, young prodigies, the trio of Pjanic, Bojan and Kjaer made us smile (at least in August)…
So what has gone wrong? Actually, never mind. It’s too late to discuss it. Cesena is not the future my friends. Summer 2012 is. And I’m not talking ‘bout monokinis, the swim suit editions of Sports Illustrated or Rihanna and Sylvie Van Der Vaart posing half nude on a beach… I’m talking Roma business here. Enter Villas-Boas and 45 981 732 South-American talents.

The Chievo draw

If I wanted to see 22 people swim, I should have gone to the nearest swimming-pool instead. Would have saved me 80 minutes of my time, thanks FIGC!
The only plus I can think of right now is the clean sheet. And Roma did it without Stek, Juan and Burdisso but WITH Kjaer and Angel. Dare I say…*gasp* baby steps?


Totti marked his 500th Serie A appearance for Roma and scored twice. He now has 215 goals in Serie A. Baffling numbers. And Montella looks ace in a suit while LE looks like he aged forty years since August. Also, Roma drew 2-2 (but who the hell cares at this point).


• I’m not that fond of Villas-Boas coming to the eternal city. I’ve already wrote a thing or two about it on this blog’s comment section. Villas-Boas will be out for revenge after his Chelsea stint so motivation is not the problem here. His age, however, is. He was born in 1977, Totti in 1976. AVB also had quarrels with Terry, Lampard and Drogba at Chelsea, three pillars of the club. Now replace those with Totti and DDR… It’s hypothetical I know but as with his undoubted coaching talent, we can’t be blind for his shortcomings too. He’s still a young wolf in the harsh world of football and maybe his Porto year went to his head a little too much. Instead of the risks, why not go for safer options? If they’re available of course. Prandelli, Guidolin, Ancelotti, or even Spalletti. Baldini can always try no? I have a soft spot for Monty too but something tells me he’s fine with Catania for now. First, let’s wait and see if this season was purely skill or luck from his side. Montella, like Ancelotti, will always have fond memories of Roma and WILL return one day. It’s just a matter of time.

• We will probably say goodbye to a lot of players in June, so let’s start with some ceremonies in honor of those. This week, I chose Cassetti. I wanted a proper ending to his Roman career but unfortunately his injury seems quite serious. I wish him the best at his next club, probably a return to Lecce, and will always be grateful for his commitment to the shirt and of course, this. Looking at ‘drawers’ will never be the same again (pun for those who understand Italian or can use a proper dictionary). Grazie Marco!

• ‘Walking with the Dinosaurs’ Giorgio Rossi has been at Roma for 55 years now as our masage therapist, since 1957 if maths aren’t your strongest point, and calls it a day in June. Can someone explain to me why he has never been considered as head coach? With his experience and bond with the club, we could have easily won 10 Cl’s and 30 scudetti by now. Guess he just likes massaging them damn legs. Grazie Giorgio!

• I’ve come to the conclusion that Europe doesn’t interest me anymore at this point. In fact, we would only get manhandled and waste valuable energy which might come in handy for next Serie A season (see also: Juventus, scudetto).
Besides, apart from the Bratislava games, did you really miss the EL? We had too much ‘fun’ destroying Lecce, Cagliari, Catania and Fiorentina.
Fact is, we threw away our last chance of CL qualification right there in Chievo. And the EL against Catania.

Speaking of facts, you know it’s coming:

Fun fact of the day 1: In a one on one fist fight between Delio Rossi and Vitali Klitschko, Rossi wins hands down... Or up. Or right. Or left. Or towards Ljajic. While Osvaldo is taking notes. Somewhere, Lamela is crying in a fetal position.

Fun fact of the day 2: Villas-Boas won four trophies in one year at Porto. Four. That’s about ¼ of Roma’s cabinet. A club which is 85 years old. So if Villas-Boas was at the helm since our foundation in 1927, we would have won 340 trophies by now. And we would still be talking bickering on this blog about strange tattoos, fat Brazilians or horrible designed jerseys. Romanisti truly are a remarkable lot.

Ow yeah, congrats to Juve for winning their 30 28th scudetto. Jail does work out for some people right?

See you next week! Ciao!

“I’ve not even been here a year and already they are saying I want to go. Whoever says this is stupid.” Maarten Stekelenburg, 2012.