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Totti Tuesday: The Sacrifice

I’ve got a confession to make. No, it doesn’t involve Boston cheerleaders, a whip, nipple clamps, chocolate sauce and candle grease. It involves something much better, much sexier and much more fun. Roma.

Dino Panato

So far for the Fifty-Shades-of-Greyish (or SAW-ish if you like) intro. Right, confession time. Here it comes: I literally SAW saw about 120 minutes of Roma madness this season. Maybe a bit more, maybe less. But I didn’t watch one full game of the Nine Roman Symphonies (move over, Beethoven) until now. School, work, recreation, sleep, diner, concerts, horny girlfriend, bad internet connection, even worse live streams and sopcasts, forgetfulness… Name it and it pushes my Roman live coverage off the edge, into the dark abyss and my personal despair and frustration above level 100.


Luckily, I do have a cellphone with a browser to follow the score everywhere I go. Nothing iPhone-ish though, just a decent Nokia 2730 which can also be used as Thor’s hammer or something to properly kill Chuck Norris, trim Daniele’s beard or fill the ozone layer with. Yes, it’s THAT indestructable. Really, I have dropped the damn thing over 500 times and it still keeps on going. Nokia, the Florenzi of the cellphones.

Right, Roma. So my constant absence during live coverage and accompanied CDT editor meetings, has internally led to some sort of high-profile conspiracy even NSA, FBI, DEA and CIA can’t unfold. Having no JonAS Roma around clearly is good juju. I am good juju. Words of Marten, Dhaw themselves*. Just ban me or kick me out of any conversations during game time, lock me up in the cellar with a Borriello kit and a moist handkerchief and Roma’s golden. Not convinced? What if I told you I saw only 15 minutes of Parma… At the end of the first half… When Biabiany scored. Better yet. Since the Bologna trashing, I haven’t watched one single minute of the AS Roma show 2013-2014. I only watched the highlights afterwards. But no worries: No JonAS, no loss. Hell, not even a draw. They are flirting with perfection.


Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to talk my way out of this. I’m hugely disappointed in myself and I feel like a bad tifoso. But maybe there are indeed extraterrestrial powers at work here. Maybe it’s a sign from above. Maybe there’s more to all of this then we, mere humans, know. Maybe I’m the chosen one, torn between my love for Roma and my desire and hunger for wins. One has to suffer. Right now, it’s love. But which one will prevail in the end? Will hordes of angry tifosi come to Belgium and stab me in the back when news is brought out I watched Roma-Sassuolo and it ended 0-3? Do I really have to keep myself distanced from everything Roma-related until May 2014? Or May 2015 when Roma has won the CL final? Name me one man in history who has made such a big sacrifice in his life? It demands balls. I can only think of Ranieri during one of the derbies in 09-10… Surely, one day this voodoo spell has to stop.

Enter Chievo.

Ironically, right now there’s nothing standing in my way. At the moment of typing this, I’m a free man on Thursday evening so 90% sure I’ll make the game against the Flying Donkeys. Who are bottom of the table. JonASless Roma would eat them alive, burp out the bones, use them as toothpicks and send them back to the dungeons of Verona, all this with an even bigger uppercut than Bologna or Inter. Which Roma will show up if I finally escape my cellar? I think it’s time to put this whole evil scheme to the test. See you guys on Thursday evening… Or maybe not.

*There were ambitious plans to double the good juju: Me in a cheerleader dress as official Chiesa-pic during game time. Although this would mean the end of our blog, the readership and probably fashion design as a whole.