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Totti Tuesday: ‘Scorpions, the time machine & Karl Lagerfeld’

Welcome home back just welcome Andreazzoli. Or is it welcome-home-even-though-you-never-left?. Or welcome-to-Serie-A-even-though-you’ve-been-hanging-around-here-for-like-8-years?

Gabriele Maltinti

It’s been a while since a manager got my attention only for his use of formation before a game. Zeman? 4-3-3 on a dish please. Luis? The same formation as my wife Barcelona which consists of the exact same numbers as Zeman please. Ranieri mostly kept it safe with the 4-3-1-2 while Spalletti loved his 4-2-3-1 more than his children. But Aurelio was a big fat question mark for me. Mostly because he has been here ever since Spalletti and worked with all those formations. So would he play a more defensive 4-3-3, go back to Spalletti’s days or turn it all upside down and do a YOLO which makes even Zeman jealous: three-men-backline and a return to the early 2000s? Whatever he chose, he can’t do wrong in my book. Clearly Taddei loves the guy and even named a dribble after him, problem solved. Torosidis wasn’t at Olympiakos back then, otherwise he would still have nightmares (and not because of being at one metre of Taddei’s gorgeous looks). Now, on to the main game… Remember last week I said it wasn’t gonna be a pretty ride?

The Sampdoria Situation

So, 3-5-2 it was. Pjanic as deep-lying playmaker, Marquinho and Stek starting and Lopez got subbed in. That’s roughly five (not intended of course as Andreazzoli seems a gentleman) big fuck you’s to the Zeman era. And such a big wind of change not even the Scorpions could handle it. Aurelio’s got balls.
And that’s it for the good part chaps, now enter misery. Roma lost 3-1, drop to ninth place in Serie A, Osvaldo missed a penalty (Totti didn’t take it because being too awesome and too easy obviously) and looks lost while Destro is unavailable, no one understood the 3-5-2 or what Andreazzoli had in mind, Castan got injured and misses Juve, we created very little attacks while Lopez STILL hasn’t done anything proper to his damn teeth.

Do you want more, you sadist? Are you enjoying this? Do you feel lucky,well do ya punk? Go watch all Sex and the City or SAW movies or all seasons of Desperate Housewives and it’s still time better spent compared to this crap we Giallorossi have been taking ever since 2013 started. Annus horribilis, nothing more nothing less. I have the feeling Andreazzoli is less coach but more caretaker than both. He isn’t ‘real’ if you know what I mean. Play with formations, keep all players happy, say nice things about them and the staff, praise and work in silence. Simply put: do what the management says and keep things doable and in control until June when makeover no3 after 2011 and 2012 will commence and then head back into the black hole of being an assistant. He’ll basically just disappear in the summer and with all due respect for the man, that’s probably the smartest thing to do.

Was the 3-5-2 a bad choice? Who knows, it’s a great formation if (very big if) you have the right personnel for it aka an Emerson, Candela, Samuel, Tommasi, Batistuta etc. For a lot of players this was something new, seemingly even for Andreazzoli because all the fullbacks were on the bench and Lamela/Marquinho occupied those wide places. Piris or Torosidis should have been in Lamela’s place to open up play and widen the field, shipping in crosses into the box for Osvaldo… Under Zeman we had very few bodies in the middle, under Andreazzoli EVERYONE was omnipresent in midfield and like a headless chicken doing so. Changes are fine, sometimes even needed but for God’s sake, one step at a time Aurelio. Ditch the Red Bull will ya? What’s wrong with a plain and simple 4-3-1-2? Roma’s defense ain’t exactly the Chinese Wall this season so why even bother playing with three defenders and wing players like Lamela disguised as full backs? Proof: see Samp’s first goal where Estigariwhateverthefrackhisnameis scores. A Piris or Torosidis would have been there in that space to cover for Marquinhos. Lamela’s first goal was rightly disallowed, offside from Marquinho.

About the keeper situation: Stek didn’t look particularly good on the first and third Sampdoria goals, whoopsy fuckin daisy, what’s new ey? Goicoechea may have faster reflexes but Aurelio’s not at fault here, even Buffon would turn into a drunk Paris Hilton on cocaine when playing for us. It has always been a weak spot for Roma, accept it like a man and go on with your life. There are bigger problems in Roma’s life than this one.
However, that doesn’t mean I change my opinion about the subject: FREE LOBONT GODDAMNIT! Somebody fax this to Sabatini and Baldini please.

Sometimes, going back to the basics like Ranieri did isn’t bad. Take one step back in order to take two forward. This isn’t the time to be adventurous but time for stability. A 3-5-2 takes time to apprehend, to understand. The reason why Juve and Napoli have success with it that one is because they have completely adopted it and are playing it for quite some time now and are also buying the right players for that formation (Vidal, Lichtsteiner, Isla, Armero, Maggio, Insigne). The 4-2-3-1/4-5-1 would be less of a risk than the 3-5-2 because it is actually a more defensive approach of the 4-3-3. Which in theory was exactly what Roma needed during Zemanlandia. Keep the goals and fun coming but introduce a little more defensive cover and bodies in midfield.

One thing we’ve learned on Sunday is that Andreazzoli is a caretaker coach, nothing more nothing less. He’ll keep things in check until June but he is no keeper so hold your horses. That’s hardly a surprise seeing Aurelio (59) is already entering the twilight of his career and has done nothing really astonishing. Montella is twenty years younger and has already achieved more and showed more managerial skills. Ow sheeet, did I just mention l’Aereoplanino when Roma are in the middle of yet another trainer crisis? How childish of me…


The time machine award: Totti. For leaving the penalty to Ozzie. Result: Ozzie misses horribly and 1-0 soon becomes 2-0 instead of 1-1. I know the feeling bro. The things I would do different if I got a time machine (hint: they’re mostly 18+).

The black kid at a Ku Klux Klan meeting award: Torosidis. For feeling so unwanted and being in an awkward situation. Balzaretti was playing badly and is injured, Taddei’s old, Marquinho ain’t exactly lightning it up on the left, now the change to a 3-5-2. Seriously, how many things need to change in order for Torosidis to play? Why did we even bought him in the first place? The man won more titles and cups than the rest of the team, he knows how to kick a ball.

Comment Carnivale

To end the Sampdoria chapter, I made a compilation of comments from CdT during and after the game. Some are pure gems. Admittedly, you guys have some truly inspirational writing talent. Warning! Dickens, Orwell, Poe, Wilde, Beckett or Shakespeare they are not but they do make me piss my pants so eat that William!

i hope someone shits in delio rossis mouth tonight
I’m gonna go out into the street and punch the fuck out of something
I can’t watch Roma anymore this season. My hairline recedes a hundred times faster having to follow them.
Our players are heartless pussies
Fuck me with a splintered broomstick
Why does Bradley always score blinders for the national team and cant hit a barn door for us?
Goicoechea even lost his cherry during a corner I think
How to take a penalty kick, then mail instructions to Ozzie.
I’m off to shoot some people on Call of Duty… Might appease my anger
no taddei the pretty exercises are not on your agenda

Jinxing Juve

Soooooo, will Roma – Juve be the game where we really really really really really (no, really!) kickstart our season? Will Andreazzoli take coaching to the next level and play some sort of weird 2-1-3-1-2-1? Will Osvaldo score a penalty? Will Taddei finally star in a fashion bible of Lagerfeld?
Ah hell just forget it, let’s reach the Coppa final and be done with this season pretty please. Mentioning time machines earlier, how much money would you give for one which brought you back to 2004?

“I worked as a head Coach for 20 years, then was an assistant manager for 10. I’d love to be the Roma Coach for three years and win the Scudetto, but I am a club man and if I’m asked to step aside, I will do so.” – Aurelio Andreazzoli, 2013