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Totti Tuesday: ‘Red Alert, Catwoman & Madonna’

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Facing minnows at the Olimpico, part 2. And most of the times, part 2 is the best. See movies Back to the Future, Lethal Weapon, Jurassic Park, Spiderman, The Godfather, Hellboy or the games Mass Effect, Assassin’s Creed, Red Alert and Uncharted.

Paolo Bruno

I said most of the times. If there are exceptions, Roma’s clearly one of them. Rebus, enigma, conundrum… Call it what you want. The draw against Pescara still makes my head dizzy. Only a good ‘ol fashioned rout at the Olimpico would more or less heal the wounds. I’m talking 5/6/7-0 here with cameos of Toni, Riise, Simplicio (with obliged O2 tank) and Adrian Pit scoring a screamer even Mr Bullshit Goal Quagliarella would react like this.

Roma entertained Siena without its man on fire, Coppa Hero and part-time Amish doppelganger Mattia Destro who was suspended. Also both Marqui-boys (Singular and Plural) missed the game. Btw, one of them is highly rated and courted by Barcelona. Dare to bet on which one, Einstein?

Superb strikers against Siena

Current Asssociazione Sportiva Roma in a nutshell: sexy, suave football and take home three points? Ain’t nobody got time for that! Either it’s ugly (Pescara, Palermo) or… well less ugly but kinda effective (see Inter, Torino).
The official lineup: FREE LOBONT! And Bogdan’s here to stay.

Due to other obligations, I missed the second half so scusi if my review isn’t that elaborate. Luckily I saw ¾ of the goals including a nice low shot and volley from Lamela and Osvaldo. Arrogance, brilliance, moment of magic… Let’s not forget Totti’s share in Lamela’s goal and Osvaldo’s third as well. I think the return of the 4-2-3-1 was important for the boys. It’s simple: Roma at the moment isn’t meant to play 4-3-3 with its current crop of players. Even the 3-4-2-1. The rombo or the 4-2-3-1 (albeit slightly modified) is the way to go for now. Going back to basics. And giving frikkin’ Lobont a start. It wasn’t Barcelona-esque yet, nor Zemanlandia. Things simply just fell into place Sunday and the team had fun and enjoyed themselves. An early 2-0 lead does make things a lot more comfortable.

So, as I said earlier, I was desperate for a good old fashioned rout. Guess I wasn’t too far off with my 5-0 prediction. The thing we tifosi should keep in mind right now, is to not get carried away by the result. Yes, a 4-0 win is nice, Pablo got a hattrick, Roma is back in fifth after Lazio and Inter’s stuttering. But this was just Siena at home, you know, the kind of games a team like Roma MUST win. They learned from Pescara, good. Now they need to pick up the pace and grab as many points as possible. Three of our last four games are against CL contenders: Fiorentina, Napoli and Milan with a flying donkey somewhere in between. These are a make or break fixtures. Mathematically, Roma can still reach CL places seeing they have to play direct rivals but does anyone here in Church really believe in a 9/9 against those teams? Maybe we should… Keep the faith brothers.


The Dino Zoff award: Lobont aka mancat. Guess what? Lobont DOES do clean sheets. The only keeper in Italy who hasn’t conceded a goal in ALL his games this season (hey at least it’s true isn’t it?). Catwoman must be so in love right now.

The ‘I gave a serious shit on Sunday’ award
: Osvaldo and Balzaretti. Flip a coin who gets it. If Pablo played every game like that, he’s a fan favorite and a 30+ a season striker. Only question is, where is his trademark mitraillette celebration? Destro’s pole dancing is nice but Osvaldo gunning down the entire Curva Sud with lumberjack Daniele behind him was a sight to behold.

The Terminator award: Alessandro Flo-rida Florenzi. Runs, runs, runs. Is he a machine?

The ‘living in a box’ award
: Osvaldo. In Siena’s box to be precise. Such a bad 80s band name though…

Fun fact of the week

If only away games counted this season, Roma would still be fifth with 23 points, two more than Fiorentina in sixth and two points behind CL places. Only home games: position eight and 8 points behind CL places. Let’s get those bulldozers to Piazzale del Foro Italico ASAP.

*I have identified the culprit! Madonna performed at the Olimpico in June 2012. Bad juju that woman. Let’s compare it with other concerts shall we? During Spalletti’s era, U2, R.E.M., Roger Waters and Depeche Mode all performed in the Stadio. Now that’s what I call music. It’s time for some BBB-benefit: Bring Back Bono.

Bitchslap of the week

Ahmed Mido Hossam
. Because he sucked at Roma, that’s why. ‘Slap like an Egyptian.’


• Former Roma player Boniek said he proposed Lewandowski to Roma five years ago but the club refused. That’s okay, we’ve got Lopez and Tallo now… Phew. Thank God we dodged that bullet right? RIGHT? Now excuse me while I try to find and kill the guy who succesfully proposed Gilberto Martinez to Roma.
FYI, five years ago they bought Artur, Barusso, Filipe and Pit during the Summer mercato. I give up.

• Osvaldo + Bertolacci + 5-6m for Jovetic? Hell, they can put my grandma in the deal as well if we can bring him in! Who doesn’t have wet dreams of the tridente Totti- Jovetic-Lamela? Or go really YOLO with a 4-2-3-1: DDR Pjanic - Lamela Jovetic Totti – Destro (insane, irresponsible and kamikaze but fun nonetheless).
*I wrote this little piece pre-Siena, an Osvaldo hattrick made me rethink a bit but Jovetic in Giallorosso makes my balls tingle nonetheless, no matter how steep the price. I do agree with comments saying the defense and midfield need a revision first.

• Just posting some inner-CdT talk over here but my proposition to Dhaw, Bren and Chris is this: ditch the grid girls (how lovely they might be) and swap them with girls of EA’s earlier mentioned game Red Alert. Not convinced? Here, let me refresh your mind.

• You thought Panagiotis Tachtsidis was the original copy/paste? Think again. Luckily, this guy never made it in our first team, printing his name costs 5m a year.

Facing Fiorentina in a fashionable way

I hate Fiorentina a lot less compared to previous seasons. Not because of the 0-1 Coppa win or the 4-2 win in Serie A with Zeman mindfucking Vincenzo twice. They just seem so… right on track these days, you know? Smart transfers, smart and slick coach, smart manager Prade and established names like Jovetic, Pizarro, Viviano and let’s not forget, dead man walking Giuseppe Rossi ready to make his comeback. A trip to Florence and their footballing machine (bad pun, my fault) is never a gift. Let’s hope Roma release their inner Prince and make it rain purple next week at the Artemio Franchi. Wow, a lot of musical references and bad puns this week, I’m on fire! Thanks for reading, till next week!

“I envy Totti, because he is still playing football, though of course I’m also happy that he gets to enjoy the sport still. With him on the field it was so simple, as it just needed a glance for us to understand what had to be done. Playing alongside this version of Totti, I would’ve scored even more goals for Roma.” – Gabriel Batigol Batistuta, 2013