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Totti Tuesday: ‘Gay parade, mayonnaise & Daft Punk’

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Well, my Marco Motta love didn’t last long, did it? It’s back to familiar duties and back to rollercoaster rides as well. After Ozzy’s miracle at Fiorentina followed a huge Chievo hangover which practically ended Roma’s hopes for European qualifications via Serie A. Udinese ‘hey we suck for six months but somehow end in European places after a great final run in Serie A’ Calcio and Lazio ‘we love goats, period’ Roma jumped over the Giallorossi. Luckily we still have a certain Coppa game against a certain neighborhood team.

Claudio Villa

Two Serie A games remaining, Milan and Napoli AKA no2 and 3 in the standings (curiously, both their trainers are heavily linked to Roma). A normal team would shit its pants like the Niagara Falls and sweat like 13-year-old illegally ordering alcohol in a liquor store surrounded by cops, FBI and SWAT teams. But not Roma. Because… well they’re Roma. They perform at the level of their adversaries. Which means they’re shit against Bologna, Palermo, Chievo and Pescara but unexplicably win against Juve, Inter, Milan and Fiorentina. That has been the case ever since I started gracing Totti and co on a field with grass, white lines and two goals. They are, simply, consistent in being inconsistent.

Constipated at Chievo

Roma happened. The end.

Muntari of Max Allegri’s Milan manhandles referee

It’s actually a miracle Roma could still qualify for the Europea League via Serie A. Trainer fired, transfer flops, rotating players and formations, inconsistent results and horrible defensive statistics (second worst defense after Pescara). Unpredictable is a mild way of describing the club. But even after all this misery, Roma was only two points away from a EL spot so I guess it was more of a collective ‘haha, you guys suck as hard as us’ than a introvert ‘damn dude, we suck’.

Knowing Cagliari-Lazio and Inter-Udine are to be played on the last matchday, winning this game was Roma’s last lifeline in a sort of dead as a doornail season in Serie A (excluding the Coppa). They had to do without Stekelenburg (Yaaaay, Lobont!), Balzaretti (Meh, no one cares) and Daniele (uuhm…. Yaaaay! I guess). Seriously, since when does Daniele being excluded count as an actual frikkin’ advantage for Roma? Welcome to 2013. At least he scored a goal every now and then in previous seasons, right now Capitano Futuro still has zilch on his conto. A new trainer can’t come soon enough for his confidence and career.

Then there was this little thingy: La sfida Totti – Balotelli. Somebody call 911. Or the Spartans, that’ll do just fine. But this is nothing compared to what the derby will bring on May 26. The importance of that game went through the roof after both Lazio and Roma’s chances rest heavily on qualification via Coppa Italia. I tell you now the final will make The Expandables, 300, Terminator and Rambo look like a tea party during a gay parade led by Barbie on a pony covered in pink snow and chocolate sprinkles.

Back to Milano. Someone had to win on Sunday evening. Milan for their CL and Roma for their EL hopes. It was a draw. Which leaves no one happy really. Milan have to win at Siena if they don’t want to lose their third spot to Roma 2.0 Fiorentina while Roma are now mathematically out of the race for Scudetto (shocker), Champions League (heartbreak stuff, like a Taylor Swift song) and Europa League (instant coma). There were also two red cards, one funny (Muntari) and one less funny, an elbow between old amici Totti and Mexes. That was Totti’s 11th dismissal in Serie A, only Pinzi does… ahem… better with 12 (football-italia).

As is mostly the case, Roma didn’t benefit from the opposition’s red card. Surprisingly, starter Marquinho had a decent game but Roma relied too much on shot attempts too far from Abbiatti’s post. The main reason the game ended in 0-0 was that there were simply two good keepers on each side. Plus, both Milan and Roma’s praised attack force looked rather pale. Maybe they were all blinded by Milan’s new gold kit. It somehow reminded me of Austin Power’s Goldmember. In the end, a draw at Milan is not that bad (Barcelona lost there, just playing the devil’s advocate) but they were beatable. Then again, so were all of Pescara, Palermo, Chievo and Kim Kardashian’s ass.


The mayonnaise award
: Boateng. Seriously, look at his hair.

The ketchup award: Muntari and Totti. Seriously, look at their cards.

The Perrotta award: Marquinho. Seriously, look at his runs.

The nothing’s gonna change my love for you award: Muntari and Rocchi. Seriously, look at their slow.


• Will Toby Alderweireld be the first Belgian (like, everrrrrr) to play for Roma? As a Belgian myself, I sincerely hope so. This news pleases me and of course I applaud this move. There are better Belgian defenders talentwise, Vertonghen and Kompany for example, but Alderweireld certainly is one of the brightest stars of the current Belgium star-studded team alongside Hazard, Courtois, Kompany, Benteke, Witsel, Fellaini etc. He can also play RB and has good feet. I can see him fit Mazzari’s 3-4-3 perfectly with ‘Hos and Castan. Plus, he has tattoo’s, yaaaay. I like my defenders tattooed, thank you very much. My private parts? Only of Luciano Moggi. Because they’re both d*cks.

• The last time Roma failed to score at the Olimpico was two years ago, a 0-0 against Milan. They also failed to get on the scoresheet for two consecutive games, Chievo and Milan, for the first time this season (including friendlies). Zeman nearly choked to death on his cig.

• I wouldn’t mind some Borriello and Curci next season. There I said it. Let’s face it: Both are still on Roma’s books while Osvaldo and Stek will leave for big cash this summer. Goicoechea’s loan deal will end, he’ll leave and ultimately do an ‘Artur’ and win the Champions League with Barcelona while Destro will become no1 striker for next season. All the right signs. Bring back Marco and Gianluca as replacements and spend the cash on other more important pieces like the wing (very important in Mazzari’s formation) and the back. Mind you, Curci and Borriello come off a good season with Bologna and Genoa, if there’s one last chance to shine in Giallorosso for those gentlemen, it’s now. Sure, it’s cheap as hell but we can use all the firepower we can find if we are looking at Europea League and midweek games next season. And Borriello alone raises ticket sales with 37%. Pfff, women…

• Remember the days back when everyone was so ecstatic about the partnership Baldini - Sabatini back in 2011? Nope, me neither…

• Say whay you want about Zamparini but I’m sure as hell gonna miss that nut next season.

Next nailbiter: Napoli

As Daft Punk would say: ‘One more time’. And then we can end this bloody mess and look forward to the Coppa final where I hope they ‘get lucky’. It has sure been 38 damn thrilling, ‘burnin’, sometimes entertaining but mostly frustrating weekends. Goes to show Roma is ‘human after all’. Yet, time goes by so fast, another silly season stands before us where transfer deals are sealed all ‘around the world’. But first, the Partenopei. It will be a special game because the man who is currently ‘da funk’ in Naples and the brain behind their 3-4-3 succes, might sit on the Roma bench next season. You better get used to that Olimpico seat, Walter. Let’s hope he can make Roma and our weekly boners ‘harder, better, faster, stronger’. And with that, I’ve run out of Daft Punk puns. See you next week, my ‘digital love’ (couldn’t resist). Ciao!

“Allegri and Mazzarri? I like them a lot and consider them to be my ideal Coaches. They’ve shown quality with results that started from smaller clubs, building up their experience. I think they would do well at Roma.” – Aurelio Andreazzoli, 2013