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Totti Tuesday: ‘Shotguns, Rihanna & Big Ben’

All about Garcia. No, not Luis Enrique Martinez Garcia. The Rudi one. And saying ciao to dry farts. Confused? You see, I want to play a game. It doesn’t involve needles, chains, axes, pins, sawed-off shotguns or claws. Just some good ‘ol fashioned detective stuff. More on that later on. First: our new coach. Rudi Völler Garcia!

Giuseppe Bellini

The Clash clashes with Rudi

I think it’s safe to say Rudi has always been the top candidate for the Roma job, ever since 1966. Or didn’t you get the memo? Look it up:

- 1966: “Goooooodbyeeeeee Rudi Tuesday” – The Rolling Stones (little did they know Rudi was unveiled on a Wednesday, they truly are getting old)

- 1969: “Rudi, don’t take your love to town” – Kenny Rogers (he didn’t because Roma is a city, ha!)

- 1979: “A message to you, Rudy” – The Specials (and that message is: play Totti for f@#! sake)

- 1979: “Rudi can’t fail”– The Clash (ooow yes he can Clash, yes he can)

- 2007: “Rudi Rudi Rudi Rudiiiii GarciaaaAAAaaaAAAaaaaa” – Kaiser Chiefs (he’s not deaf you know)

- 2010: “Come here Rudi boy boy, can you get it up? Come here Rudi boy boy, is it big enough?” – Rihanna (she is,of course, talking about the mental state of the team, you dirty mind)

- Every song from Rudimental (duh).

The list is endless. So is Rosella Sensi’s debt to Vuitton and Burberry, the amount of swear words being thrown around in CdT when the debate American culture-Roman culture is going on or the number of goalkeepers who inexplicably transform into six-year-olds when they don the giallo e rosso.

Roma receives some fierce competition on the transfer market these days. Nainggolan (Inter), Cabaye (Monaco), Paulinho (Inter and Tottenham), Digne (PSG), Rafael (Inter, Napoli). Except when they move for Doni, Loria or Baptista. Then they suddenly all jump ship, figures… EL or CL prospects obviously are a plus in many players’ book. I guess right now the advantages Roma can offer to players are 1) a sunny climate 2) a lovely historic city 3) great food and 4) cheerleaders. There are worse things in life, no?

Run Rudi, run!

So Pallotta and co opted for the Frenchman and former journalist Rudi Garcia. You can find enough info on the internet about him for example his love for turtlenecks or his amazing musical skills. With his 4-3-3/4-2-3-1, I don’t expect that much of a cultural earthquake around Trigoria. Both formations have been used plenty by former coaches Zeman, Enrique, Spalletti and sometimes even Andreazzoli. Garcia however will try to fix and adjust minor details to our tactic. Like a more defensive approach of Zeman’s kamikaze, some kind of weird symbiosis of Il Boemo’s ‘Run, Forrest, Run!’ and LE’s tiki-taka borefest.

From what I’ve heard and read, Garcia’s relationship with the players is very important to him. Should be good news to pIayers like Daniele, ‘Hos and Lamela who thrive on confidence and trust. I haven’t seen enough of Lille 2008-2013 to judge Garcia both as a trainer and a person. He’s very popular though in the North-French region because of his double in 2011 and the nurturing of young talents while yearly losing his most prized assets to bigger clubs (Rami, Sow, Hazard, Cabaye, Gervinho to name a few). After all, Lille stays Lille. Wait untill he discovers Roma’s talent poop pool.

Bitchslap of the week

Internazionale. Due to their fetish with Roma targets during every Summer mercato since 1927. The nerazzurri are like that kinda sorta annoying friend who keeps following you, showing the same interests in people and things even though he knows nothing about them. He just wants to be near you and your surroundings every… single… time. Very irritating.


• Udinese defender Benatia is close to joining us. He’s tall, 1m90 which is about 6 ft 3. Already have the perfect nickname for him: Big Ben. His first words as an almost Giallorosso: “A CB has to be frightening.” I think he’ll fit right in seeing the club Roma as a whole is frightening to anybody. He refused other big Italian clubs who’ll play CL next season. Needless to say, I like the boy already. Benvenuto Mehdi.

• Sabatini still has a tonload of work to do. Not only strenghtening the squad while keeping Rudi’s favors and objectives in mind but also dealing with the loan and ‘comproprieta’ deals. Players who are owned by two clubs. Here is a list. If both teams don’t strike a deal (renewal or release) by June 20, they go into blind bidding wars or ‘le buste’ as they are called in Italy, the envelopes. Which in Roman terms actually means: ‘You’re dead to me boy’.
I’d love to give Bertolacci and Stoian another chance, yes even Taxi. But there are already enough bodies in midfield for now, let alone the possible arrival of Nainggolan and /or Paulinho. Caprari and Piscitella might be interesting for Rudi as well as they can play on the wing. Belgian Hazard has flourished under Garcia at Lille, maybe he can repeat that trick with one of our Primavera jewels. We’ll know more when preseason starts. My two cents? Piscitella and Ciciretti. Just a hunch.

• Right, the game. I presume you are all familiar with anagrams? Now, read and analyze this sentence carefully:
Marten Portoise: “Ciao, dry fart!”
I hid two famous (former?) Roma ‘legends’ in that sentence. The first visitor who finds out both and posts the answer below in the comment section, gets his ‘five minutes of fame’ in one of my next Totti Tuesdays. In other words, he or she may write a column/opinion piece about anything Roma-related (trainer, players, transfers) which I include in one of my next blogs. Let the games begin! If it’s too difficult, don’t worry. I’ll give hints in time.

Victoria’s secretly thinking about Taddei’s thighs

So, the coach is officially unveiled, all bets are off. Now let’s wait for the first official transfer of Rudi Garcia’s era! And of course, Summer camp in July, including the return of Taddei’s totally tight training thighs, Roma players you have never heard of (Chris’ famous dog & pony show) and Borriello and his new WAG, who is a not so secret model of Victoria’s Secret. It’s a start Marco but Roberta Mastromichele territory, she is not.

See you next week!

“Will I work for Roma under Garcia? I said last year I’ve been in football for a long time and consider myself an honest, fair and objective person. If Roma wanted me, I think they’d have called me over the last seven years. They probably didn’t even consider me.” – Vincent Candela, 2013