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Totti Tuesday: ‘Turbulence, Men in Black & yogurt’

O Livorno, Livorno. Wherefore art thou, Livorno?

Paul Frederiksen-USA TODAY Sport

Not that I’m suddenly going all Shakespearean on your asses but the longing for Serie A reminds me of the passionate relationship between Romeo and Juliet. Close yet to far. Knowing it’s not good for your health yet you can’t live without it. To express my emotions, I succesfully inserted Eminem in my TT last week so I thought it’s time for a black rapper to cheer up this week’s post. I had my eyes on Coolio with Gangster’s Paradise for a while now. But of course, with a slight Roman twist to it in the lyrics, recapping the US Tour. Curious? Find out below.

Before we go into that though, three small titbits:

• Borriello claims his shirt number 88 has no historical reasons whatsoever but it is in fact the birth date of a person (listen carefully now) he ‘cares about’. Curiously enough, the very own writer of this post, moi, was born in 1988. Are some of you girls (and not so straight guys) jealous yet? You should be. Just wait until next week when I’ll post a pic of me and Marco in a hot tub, sipping on Cosmopolitans, touching each other’s abs… Ok, forget that last part.
Speaking of Borri, the team faced a rather exciting flight to Washington DC. "It is reported that Marco Borriello was the only player to sleep soundly throughout the turbulence." I rest my case, his sex appeal knows no bounds.

• During the team’s trip to Washington, they took a look at Obama’s NSA Centre White House as you can see in the photo.
Three seconds after the photo was taken, the CIA, DEA, FBI, Interpol and the goddamn Men in Black jumped on Benatia and Daniele’s ass to arrest them for planning a bomb attack. ‘Merica! Luckily they were released shortly afterwards. Hopefully Danielino now ditches the beard after this swift yet unfortunate intervention.

• A friend of mine is a big fan of Gervinho’s former Belgian club, Beveren (60 games, 14 goals). We talked a bit about his move to Roma. Which went something like this:
Blablablabla forehead blablabla curtains blablablabla hair etc.
Him : ‘Anyway, if you put Gervinhon on his favorite position, you’re gonna enjoy this move.’
Me: So you mean the bench then?
Both: *Silence……… Laughing like teenage girls.*

Another fun fact is that Gervinho’s full name is Gervais Lombe Yao Kouassi. In Belgium, we sell children’s yogurt called Petit Gervais. I feel a new nickname coming up. Propositions always welcome in the comment section.

Now, time to turn in gangsta-mode, chain smoke like Sabatini in 1999, put on sunglasses at broad daylight, play GTA San Andreas, act as your sister's pimp, slap a nearby women in the face while demanding a sandwich and wear one of your 213 Gervinho caps…

Ps: Obviously, I didn’t rewrite the entire song due to time management, longevity and legal dispute.

*intro music*

As I walk through the valleys of Toronto, Washington and Kansas
I take a look at my team and realize there’s not much left
Cauz I’ve been in a fetal postion for so long that
Even Zeman thinks that my mind is gone
But I ain’t never crossed a player that didn’t deserve it
He’d be molested like a goat, you know that’s unheard of
I’m the kinda tifoso the little homies wanna be like
Browsing Russian streams at night, saying prayers in the streetlight
We’ve been spending most our nights watching Taddei’s YouTube highlights ( x 4)

Totti’s got the situation, he’s got them facing
He can’t live a normal life, he was raised by the street
So he’s gotta be down with Garcia’s team
Too much cheap American promises got him chasing dreams
Pallota’s an educated fool with money on his mind
He got Zanzi in his pocket and a dollar sign in his eye
Totti’s 36 now but will he play on till he’s 44?
The way preseason is going now, I don’t know
Tell me why are we so blind to see
That the one we ignore is Julio Sergio Bertagnoli?
We’ve been spending most our nights watching Taddei’s YouTube highlights ( x 4)
Power and the money, money and the power
Friendly after friendly, just put Tallo in a tower
Florenzi keeps on running but half of them ain’t lookin
What’s going on in the kitchen, Simplicio knows what’s cooking
They say Garcia has to learn,but nobody’s there to teach Rudi
If I can’t understand his tactic,how can it reach Bradley?
I guess Michael can’t, I guess he won’t
I guess the team fronts, that’s why I know we’re out of luck against Livorno, fool
We’ve been spending most our nights watching Taddei’s YouTube highlights ( x 4)
Tell me why are we so blind to see
That the greatest hair on this team, is not Gervinho’s
But Alessandro Crescenzi


That’s it for this week, boys and girls. Until next week where I shall provide a cover of… Justin Bieber (just jokin’). Ciao!

“It has been 20 years of love with the same jersey and I think it was a great life experience. I have been fortunate to play with many very important players in my career. I can say that this season the squad is very united and eager to have a great campaign.”– Francesco Totti, 2013