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Totti Today #45: All Good Things…

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Past. Present. Future. What do they mean? What do they stand for? I’m trying to find both a logical solution and difficult mathematical formula to all of this. Alas, my brain can’t function normally anymore. It has taken too much time. It has to and will stop. Whether we like it or not.

Paolo Bruno/Getty Images

Coffee. Black. No sugar. A ray of sunlight. Good. Just what I need to think freely, senseless. I’m sitting in a small room yet I feel my thoughts are unlimited. They need to. Because a lot is on my mind. A lot, and nothing at the same time. I feel empty, full, satisfied all at once yet my body lingers for more. Maybe just a little bit then. Not much, a spoonful of sugar. A small portion of that magical, enchanting je ne sais quoi. Oh dear how do I even describe this? Well, one can try I suppose. Then again, what would it matter?

An end has a start, every start has its ending. Simple, effective. Two points, A and B. Go from A to B, not as fast as you can, but as agile, suave, graceful as you can. Do it your own way. Don’t listen to others. They don’t understand. Don’t stop, take no rest. Where we are going, there’s no need for it. Blink and you’ll miss it. Eyes wide open, coffee helps if you’re experiencing difficulties. You can’t risk missing one single bit of the show. Non-stop, no breaks, no holding back. Believe me, it’s the only way to enjoy it.

I feel like a child watching a very long Pixar movie. I feel like a father watching his children grow up. They leave the toys in the living room and start to look outside. They’re gazing at the horizon, can’t wait to explore it. To grab a map and go out on a journey. Restless children who are eager to free themselves of the tentacles of their parents. No one can forbid it, it’s nature. Acceptance. Commitment. There’s always a bigger cause in life. Maybe the kids come back. Maybe they won’t because they like it in the big world. A man has to have no fear of letting things go. Whatever the cost. Probably he’ll cry like a child when that sad moment has come. How ironic. A father that turns a child. Well now, it certainly makes the circle of life complete, doesn’t it?

I feel like a scholar who’s waiting on a bus stop in the morning. Chatting with his lifelong friend, hoping the conversation never stops. Hoping that darn school bus will never arrive,that it breaks down or takes a wrong route. Everything’s welcome to prolong the feeling of freedom. Sweet sweet freedom. To be unchained, to do as you please. Why can’t it last? Why does everything have to change into dreariness? Stay young, stay fit, be unpredictable, never grow up and act like a 40-year-old who has his life in order.

All good things in life can be broken, but they can be fixed. Maybe not physical but in our minds. You see, our mind can replay happy memories, moments and thrilling chapters in our life. So they can live on. But does it really suffice? Will you heal? Why can’t we stick with the real thing after all? Time is a bastard. A bloody cold one. Destroyer of cities and civilizations. No one escapes its clutches. Time only thinks about itself, has no mercy. I don’t want to embrace it anymore. It tears me away from you. It is a burden no man can carry. I want to break free but the show must go on (double Queen hit, thank you very much). With or without you (U2).

Luckily the sun is still shining brightly. I take a sip from my coffee. Black. No sugar. Of course. Questions are raised. Am I being too selfish? Do I put myself above others? Do I believe the impossible is possible and vice versa? Life has it merits but from time to time it also puts you in a Catch-22. It makes you feel like have a choice but in reality, you’re just meant to undergo, to submit, to give in to… yes, to what exactly? To your ideals? To the ideals of others? Freedom is fiction, freedom is underrated. We are just puppets sucking on the tit of a higher power. Probably a female because I just wrote ‘tit’.

I feel overwhelmed all of a sudden. Writing this clearly has a negative effect on me. Strange and ironic because I should have seen this coming miles away. It’s not like I have a choice. I have to go through this. So why do I act surprised? Why so much fuzz and drama? Humans tend to like drama though they don’t want it near them. Humans are a bunch of cowards. Well, most of them anyway.

Fastforward in my mind, heart and body. My cup of coffee is almost empty. Just like my soul. My fingers and brain demand more blood to keep on writing. I don’t want a tranquilizer. I just want to see and witness it one more time. And I will. But not for long. The fearsome bus is gonna arrive, the children are nearing the door on their way out. Damn, I’ve always hated goodbyes. Parting ways is not good for your health, believe me.

The beginning of the end. Or the end of the beginning. How do you describe it? Pick one. Your choice. It’s probably the only one that matters in this situation. I close my window, sit down. After some tinkering I am ready. Or at least I think I am ready. A man can only take so much. True, maybe I’m not prepared for what follows. But I’m sure I’ll try my best. And I hope you do too. We can always pull each other through if necessary. Remember, change is the only constant in life.

I’m out of coffee. And out of options. There are dozens of ways to describe a journey, yet today I can’t find a single one that matches my feeling. It’s too late anyway, the last chapter is about to start. And then I can maybe, hopefully leave it alone. Let it be. We’ll see. The sound of a bus coming nearer is all I can hear right now. I’ve filtered out everything else. Not because I want to, but because I’m obliged to.

Adieu, ciao, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adios, vaarwel. And in about 50 other languages. Better start rehearsing. The time has (almost) come. One last parade, one more final exam, one last push. We’re almost there, not much longer now. I need to breathe, open my window. Ah. A breath of fresh air, just what the doctor ordered. Great timing. Mother Nature is a good doctor.

2015-2016. The last chapter and the defining pages of The Great Francesco Totti Book. Unless there’s time for an encore, this Summer truly is the beginning of the end. Once more into the fray and then an empty stage. At almost 40 years of age, the lead actor steps aside. After June 2016 Rome will be a different place. It’ll never be the same again.

Drums. Curtains fall. Applause. Silence. A painful silence…

I desperately need another cup of coffee.