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Totti Today #88: The End of Season Awards Show!

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Now that the dust has settled on Serie A Season 2015-2016, it’s time to look at all the players who represented AS Roma during the past nine months. And of course in true showbizz fashion, we hand hand out some awards too.

Francois Nel/Getty Images

Keepers

Szczęsny: The Doni Award. Flashes of brilliance mixed with some shaky moments and uncertain interventions. He did well in his first season but he’s not the guy who will eventually make the difference in the end, as opposed to a Buffon.

Lobont: The Charlie from Charlie’s Angels Award. Invisible. You never get to see the old man’s face, even though he’s still with us. A mysterious character to say the least.

De Sanctis: The Robin Award. 2015-2016 will be the season where ‘Morgan Batman’ transformed into the hero’s little helper/sidekick: Robin. After 36 and 34 appearances in his previous two seasons, this time Morgan became the obvious second choice after Woj. 4 appearances only, and probably a blow for an emotional guy like Morgan.

Defenders

Rüdiger: The Rudi Völler Award. German decency, efficiency and class. A very likeable character who can reach the same status in Rome as the one of Völler. Also, what’s up with all these German names and umlauts?

Manolas: The Dellas on Speed Award. A Greek and German combination? It may not work in politics but it sure does in football. Kostas was an omnipresent in Roma’s squad with 37 appearances, more than any other player. Roma’s leader in defence, without a doubt. A rock like Dellas but with better feet, crazier and a lot faster. Like I said, on speed.

Castan: The Melanie C Award. The former Spice Girl had a hit as solo artist in 2000 called Never be the same again. Enough said. Enjoy your award, Leo.

Zukanovic: The Souleymane Diamoutene Award. Some sort of strange winter transfer in the defence. Only appeared in 9 games, can also opperate as leftback when needed. But nothing special. Certainly no Roma material.

Maicon: The Robert De Niro Award. He tries hard, he really does. It’s admireable, but I fear that his best days are far behind him. The tank is empty. Once a superstar, now it’s time for the new generation to stand up.

Florenzi: The Jennifer Lawrence Award .Talking about a new generation. Spent most of his time on rightback, not his natural position, and still amassed 33 appearances and 7 goals. A good kid, heart in the right place. Funny too. Loved by many, especially by the other sex. It’s hard to dislike this one.

Digne: The Joe Jonas Award. Once hailed a star in the making (Lille - Jonas Brothers), then dozed off a bit, but thanks to a splendid 2015-2016 he’s back on the right track (Roma – DNCE). What?! I like the song Cake by the Ocean.

Torosidis: The Expendables 4 Award. Wow, Torosidis is now very near a Roman exit after only 11 appearances, his worst season since joining Roma. He became so expendable he earns himself a place in the next movie of the action-packed franchise. Plus, he also looks 60+, like all the rest of the cast.

Emerson: The Math Award. So confusing. A Brazilian Emerson playing on LB? I thought he was a midfielder! And why does he look so young while he’s already 40? Someone explain it to me, please! Help me decypher it!

Gyomber: The Christian Wilhelmsson Award . Let’s just pretend this transfer never ever happened in the first place, shall we?

Midfielders

Nainggolan: The Picasso Award. Seriously, with all those tattoos he looks like a painting. But one that’s worth a tonload of money and is very sought-after. Better keep this one in your collection!

Pjanic: The Da Vinci Award. If Radja’s Picasso, then Miralem’s Da Vinci. An artist pur sang. Evertything he touches, becomes gold. Magic happens when the ball is at his feet. Miralem reached double figures in both goals and assists and thus is Roma’s man of the season.

Strootman: The Whirlpool Award. Easy. Washing machines of decent quality, a 3-year-warranty included. Which is quite helpful when one breaks down and needs repairing.

Keita: The Dumbledore Award. Both are professors. Not the youngest anymore, a bit dull. Maybe too old to still be playing professional football. Especially the one from Harry Potter.

De Rossi: The Jack Sparrow Award. A captain like no other. Loveable, a bit weird but determined to reach his goals. Age has caught up with them and we even feared for both careers (after 4 movies the Pirates franchise seemed exhausted). Yet, both may still have a surprise for us in store (there’s a fifth in the making). After all, they are two icons who gave us a lot of memorable moments.

Vainqueur: The Michel Bastos Award. How the hell did he end up in Rome? Meh. Another forgettable midfielder who won’t stay around for too long I presume. See also: Barusso, Pit, Faty, Kharja…

Ucan: The Forrest Gump Award. RUN SALIH, RUN! RUN OUT OF ROME AS FAST AS YOU CAN TO SAVE YOUR CAREER!

Attackers

Perotti: The Swiss Army Knife Award. Multifunctional as hell. Just when you think you’ve seen all its qualities, it unveils another. Maybe you need to sharpen his knife a bit because 3 goals in 15 games is nothing to brag about. Still, very useful to take with you in your pocket. Or you know, on a football pitch.

El Shaarawy: The Tutankhamun Award. The return of the true Pharoah. Back to his best with 8 goals in 16 games. It seems Roma turned out to be his Cleopatra and it was a match made in heaven. But will he stay and work on his reincarnation or go back to his tomb (which is AC Milan right now, a tomb for football players)?

Dzeko: The Big Ben Award. A ‘towering’ presence, but not that flexible, not even a bit. England suits him better.

Salah: The Road Runner Award. Meep meep! Speed is also an important attribute in football. And look at that, the boy knows how to score a goal or two as well.

Falque: The Black Cat Award. Plain bad luck. By far Roma’s unluckiest player of the season. Before Spalletti arrived, he was quite an integral part of the team. But since January and the buys of Perotti and SES, he totally disappeared.

Sadiq: The Nwankwo Kanu Award. A tall Nigerian striker who knows how to score? Check! Who will probably be sold and end up in England. Oh Roma, you are so predictable.

Totti: The Gandalf Award. The old wise wizard whom everybody relies upon in desperate times. He looks rusty and over the hill, but beware, he can still kick your ass when needed. The hobbits had Gandalf to help them out (in six freakin’ movies), Roma had Totti.

Trainers

Garcia: The Hateful 8 Award. The beginning was ok but it turned into a complete borefest after that. Their previous work (Lille, first season at Roma – Inglorious Basterds, Django) was a lot better. I say good riddance, sorry Quentin.

Spalletti: The Jesus Award. They both know how to make a comeback in style. Also, both enjoy a mythical status in and around Roma. And Chiesa loves ‘em.

So guys, that was my review of 15-16. Serie A’s over but that doesn’t mean TT will call it quits as there’ll be a lot of transfer activity this Summer. And of course we at Chiesa will be on the front row. Stay tuned!