It’s Thanksgiving today here in the United States, and with that comes the beginning of the Holiday Season™. Soon, millions of Americans, gorged on turkey, eggnog, and stuffing, will fight in malls and online over this year’s incarnation of Tickle Me Elmo. Millions will spend hours waiting for delayed flights home to their loved ones! All I Want for Christmas Is You will once again climb the Billboard Hot 100! Pumpkin Spice Everything will give way to Peppermint Everything!
But what does this have to do with everyone’s favorite Associazione Sportiva Roma? Admittedly, not much, at least until @ASRomaEN tweets something funny and gets five million retweets. But for our purposes, it means we can project holiday wishes onto our favorite millionaire footballers! So, without further ado, here is the 2018 rendition of the Roma Player Wishlist.
Robin Olsen - A 2017-2018 Alisson Becker Roma Kit
Olsen has had quite the season, even considering the 6’3” Brazilian-sized hole he was expected to fill from Day One. Maybe if he wears Alisson’s old kit, he’ll get the universal appreciation he deserves.
Antonio Mirante - Seatwarmers
Before the season started, there were rumors that Mirante would start between the sticks, but those were put to bed after Olsen quickly impressed upon arrival. As such, a thoughtful gift-giver would know to give Antonio some seatwarmers - it gets cold in Italy during the wintertime, and it looks unlikely that he’ll end up spelling Robin Olsen any time soon.
Daniel Fuzato - Classes at a Local Art Studio
You may not know this about Roma’s young Brazilian goalkeeper, but he, um, can’t really draw:
We’re all hoping that maybe in the future he can be Alisson 2.0, but until then, how about you up your sketching skills, Daniel? At the very least you can become a Pictionary Superstar.
Aleksandar Kolarov - Smile Direct Club Membership
“Poor teeth condition” is my new theory as to why Kolarov never smiles, and you will never convince me of any other possible explanation.
Juan Jesus - Trolls (2016)
Considering how Roma’s Last Brazilian Standing may be the best troll in Serie A, this feels incredibly appropriate.
Kostas Manolas - Cartier Love Bracelet
Yeah, this is definitely a splurge compared to the other gifts on this list, but if a certain Mr. Pallotta wants Manolas to stay long-term, this couldn’t hurt.
Ivan Marcano - $25 Amazon Gift Card
The perfect gift for someone you don’t really know well enough to give an actual gift.
Federico Fazio - Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care, 10th Edition, by Benjamin Spock, M.D.
Er Comandante has a little Comandantino to take care of this holiday season. When he’s got a free moment, a book like this will be the perfect way to make sure he commands his soldiers at home in the proper way.
Davide Santon - Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, by J.K. Rowling
Like a phoenix, Davide’s career has certainly risen from the ashes. Gifts with hidden messages are often the best ones you can give.
Alessandro Florenzi - Deadpool 2 (2018)
We all know that Wolverine and Deadpool have a love-hate relationship. What could be a better present for Roma’s very own Wolverine?
Luca Pellegrini - Coach Briefcase
The perfect gift for the go-getter young professional. You’re going places, kid, so make sure you look the part.
Rick Karsdorp - Managing Your Manager: How to Get Ahead with Any Type of Boss, by Gonzague Dufour
Seems like Slick Rick might need some help in this arena.
Daniele De Rossi - A One-Year Contract Extension
Javier Pastore - Football Manager 2019 In-Game Editor
Javier, for only $5.49 you can make sure you never get injured again! At least, that’s what I’ve been doing with my copy of FM...
Steven NZonzi - Italian for Dummies, by Francesca Romana Onofri and Karen Antje Möller
NZonzi’s partnership with De Rossi has been quite good to date (whenever they’ve played together), but I strongly believe that every Roma player should be fluent in Italian as soon as possible. Add in the factor that De Rossi, Zaniolo, Pellegrini, and Cristante all speak Italian as a first language, and it’ll be best for NZonzi in the short and long term to know his Italian backwards and forwards. If you make like the dearly departed Kevin Strootman and start off with some choice hand gestures, you’ll be halfway there.
Lorenzo Pellegrini - Un Capitano, by Francesco Totti
You’ve been great so far this season, Lorenzo, but this book will teach you to never leave Francesco off your five-a-side team again.
Bryan Cristante - Bryan Cristante | Atalanta | Goals, Skills, Assists, by Trezegol Scout
Bryan, this gift isn’t actually for you, it’s for you to re-gift to your dear friend Eusebio di Francesco. Hopefully he can help you replicate your Atalanta form in giallorossi colors as soon as possible.
Nicolo Zaniolo - Read This if You Want to Be Instagram Famous, by Henry Carroll
You’ve got the first call-up to La Nazionale; you’ve got the prerequisite tattoos; you’ve got the playmaking ability. Now you just have to become an #influencer and you’ll be one step closer to superstardom.
Ante Coric - The Charterhouse of Parma, by Stendahl
Enjoy your loan next January, Ante!
Stephan El Shaarawy - A New Hairstylist
Hey Stephan. Come take a seat. Listen, I happen to agree with bren that you may in fact be Roma’s best player this season. But that doesn’t mean you should have a crazy person’s haircut. Leave that to Justin “Sixth Member of *NSYNC” Kluivert. Maybe ask your buddy Francesco for some styling tips - I don’t think he’s had a bad hair day in his life.
Justin Kluivert - A Simple Trophy Case
It sure looks like you’re the front-runner for the Golden Boy award, Justin. This will be the perfect place to keep your trophy (and hopefully at least a few medals from your time at Roma).
Diego Perotti - One-Way Plane Ticket to Argentina
Thank you for your service, Diego, but it sure looks like you aren’t going to be playing for Roma by the end of 2019. The least we can do is make sure you have a nice flight on your way back to Boca Juniors. Enjoy your home country, and I wish you all the best.
Cengiz Under - SPQR: A History of Ancient Rome, by Mary Beard
Psst. Cengiz. Manchester isn’t a place where emperors are born. Just sayin’.
Patrik Schick - Vulfpeck Concert Tickets
Let’s hope that you don’t have to wait for your moment too much longer, Patrik.
Edin Dzeko - A Poster of the Serie A Trophy
Edin, my Bosnian Diamond. You are an incredible striker in the Champions League, and you’ve been an incredible striker for Roma period. Maybe you just need to see the Serie A Trophy when you’re having your morning espresso to bring that goalscoring talent back to Italy. Let’s hope so.
To everyone in the United States and elsewhere, we wish you a Happy Thanksgiving and a wonderful start to the holiday season! Be sure to let us know in the comments what you would get Roma players for the holidays.