Five Ways to Spend Your Roma-Less Weekend

Netflix is a notoriously tight lipped organization. Sure, they have no problem touting and promoting their projects (as they should), but when it comes to the decisions behind which shows/films they carry and which one's they don't (as well as how many people actually watch them), they suddenly clam up.

I mention this only because last night I deviated from my usual weeknight Netflix routine, which usually consists of watching The Office for the umpteenth time or reveling in the decisions of the “oh we're wealthy but not really that wealthy” subjects of the British docu-series Grand Designs, where people treat half a million pound mortgages like disposable napkins.

Instead of dipping back into those wells, I decided to watch Outbreak, a 1995 film starring Dustin Hoffman, Renee Russo and Morgan Freeman. As you may have guessed from the title, this movie depicts humanity's struggles in containing a sudden and unexpected viral epidemic. While the protagonists eventually concoct an antiserum and everything ends on a happy note, given everything that's happening with the Coronavirus right now, I couldn't help but think this was an intentional choice by the Netflix programming department.

While Italian Prime Minister Giuseppe Conte hasn't entertained the notion of firebombing infection centers, like the President from Outbreak, he has had to enact some drastic measures to limit the impact of the virus, namely limiting the time, size and location of large public gatherings, e.g. football matches.

Rather than shutting down the league for an entire month, the powers that be decided to play all Serie A matches (male and female) behind closed doors through April 3rd; a less drastic but still sweeping measure, and one that came arguably a week too late.

With all but four matches postponed last week, Roma were one of the fortunate few to play their Round 26 fixture as scheduled, a 4-3 over Cagliari in Sardinia. However, now that the league are essentially resetting Round 26 (playing all those postponed matches this week), Roma suddenly find themselves with nothing to do this weekend, as their Saturday fixture against Sampdoria will now be played on the 15th.

But what about us? What should we, those of us who rise and fall with Roma, do with this abundance of free-time?

I'm not a certified life coach or anything, but here are a few suggestions.

#1: Sleep

Depending on where you live in the world, you're either waking up hella early or staying up waayyy too late to get your Roma fix. So, without that burden, stay in bed, sleep on the couch, take an extra long hot shower. Enjoy it, but just not too much. We don't want the Roma part of your brain to attenuate, so when you wake up, make sure you do something that frustrates you for at least 45 minutes.

#2: Walk the Dog

While she's since passed away, a huge part of my early CdT days involved writing about Roma with my dog Maggie occupying an inordinate (and I'd say unfair) part of my couch as we watched the Giallorossi at all hours of the day (whatever happened to those 9 am kickoffs?). Whether I was screaming and leaping off the couch celebrating a Francesco Totti goal or throwing the cushions as Maarten Stekelenburg let one fly past him, she was always there, right by my side struggling to comprehend why I was suddenly so animated.

If you have a similar companion, why not take them for a walk? Transfer your tactical frustrations into your dog's penchant for pressing too high on the sidewalk or for jumping offside while chasing a squirrel.

#3: Go Shopping

Channel your inner Walter Sabatini or Gianluca Petrachi while furniture shopping by attempting to secure a new sectional or granite counter-top or washer/dryer combo on loan with an obligation to buy if certain furniture objectives are met. If you want to get really crafty, knock down the price by including a Craig's List sell-on clause.

#4: Find a Kid's Game and Form Your Own Curva Sud

I want a double buurrggerrr....On second thought, maybe don't do this. It didn't work out so well for Will and the boys. Fucking Carmine Scarpaglia.

If, however, you want to support a youth team while wearing a Petrachi-style Peaky Blinders hat or coach from the stands with your Paulo Fonseca emo-bangs, feel free.

#5: Spend Some Time with Loved Ones and Treat Them Like Roma Players

Do you maybe have a larger relative who moves a bit like Edin Dzeko and it drives you crazy? Scream at him. Tell him you have a cousin on the other side of the family who is just like him only younger and faster. Tell him he makes too much money. But when he does something right, scream his last name three times and tell him you've always loved him.

Does your younger sibling leave the driveway gate open like Bruno Peres in a high press? Is your significant other as careless with a broom and dust pan as Pau Lopez can be while clearing the ball? Does your uncle meticulously set the left hand side of the table before meals but falls apart when you tell him to do the same thing on the right hand side?

Don't just sit by idly, wave your arms wildly, slap your forehead, shake your fists. It may not feel like it, but your wild gesticulations will improve their performance!

No matter what you do, just make sure you let your loved ones know how much you love and support them while also showing your frustrations in the most blatant and obvious way possible.

Well, those are just a handful of suggestions from my caffeine addled mind, How do you plan on spending your Roma-less weekend?

Let us know!