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Get to Know the Names and Faces of Roma FC on FIFA 21

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Watch and learn, EA Sports.

Soccer: E-Sports Photo by Sebastian Gollnow/picture alliance via Getty Images

As we all know by now, AS Roma will not be featured in the EA Sports’ FIFA 21. The Giallorossi did not grant them the proper license to use the club’s name and kit in the upcoming release. See official statement below:

“AS Roma will now be Roma FC, playable and equipped with a custom badge and kit throughout Kick-Off, Career Mode, FIFA Ultimate Team and VOLTA FOOTBALL. And Roma FC will now compete in Stadion Olympik. You can still expect to see the same AS Roma real-world, authentic players and related likenesses in EA SPORTS FIFA 21 and EA SPORTS FIFA 21 Ultimate Team. Player Chemistry within EA SPORTS FIFA 21 Ultimate Team will be unaffected by these changes. We’d like to thank everyone at AS Roma for the years of collaboration as the team’s Official Sports Video Gaming partner”

I’ve been playing FIFA since 2007 or so (before that I was a huge PES fan) but I didn't buy FIFA last season and this year looks like a small chance as well, although I could be tempted to buy it in a bundle with a PS5.

Anyway, speaking of PES, let’s assume FIFA could actually NOT use the names of AS Roma players for their game and that they need to find a funny alternative. You know, like PES once did with Ruud vom Mistelroum, Ryan Greggs, Roberto Larcos and many more. How would the Roman roster look like? Sounds like a job for the world’s greatest detective, Sherlock, Batman, JonAS.

Here we go!

Goal Keepers

Pow Lopez. Because it’s the fuckin’ Catalina Wine Mixer. Pow pow!

Miranda. Great British sitcom, even better goalkeeper.

Cardinal Richelieu. Yeah, there’s a Roman primavera product hidden in it somewhere.

Daniel FUZE® Tea: Hey, EA also needs sponsors you know.

Defenders

LL Cool JJ. Rapper, actor, mediocre Brazilian footballer.

Alessandro Florence. Wrong city but nice try. Perhaps when Friedkin sells him this Summer in exchange for Castrovilli?

Koalarov. Just like Aleksandar, they rarely smile on pictures.

Federico Lazio. Well, this would be a nice little middle finger from EA Sports to AS Roma.

Davide Sainton. Patron saint of overrated Italian talents.

Spina Colada. If you like getting caught in the rain. If you have half a brain (still haven’t forgiven you for that Inter match, Leonardo).

Manbikini. Sounds like something Borat would wear. Jagshemash!

Roger. EA can easily use this name without legal action, c’mon how many Rogers do you know? Rabbit, Daltrey, Federer, Moore, ...

Bruno Parrish. Well, that’s how Sean Connery would pronounce it. No harm in that.

Midfielders

Bryan Crystal Ball. I’m sure Roma wouldn’t have bought Bryan if they had one.

Lorensan Pellegrino. Roma’s version is less sparking than the original water though.

Air Jordan: Who needs a family name with such a badass first name?

Javier Pasture. At least he can’t get injured on it unlike a football pitch.

Amadou Diaphragma. A contraceptive in midfield for not leaking goals.

Gonzalo Villareal CF. Well, at least EA has a license for that team so might as well use it twice in their game.

Nicolo Insane-iolo. Enough said.

Mickeytyrion Lannister. Very intelligent, cunning, entertaining, not so tall, waiting to conquer the throne of Serie A.

Attackers

Diego Aperitivo. He’s at his best during warm up, right before the main dish. Best leave him in the fridge after that.

Edin Gecko. They lack eyelids and are capable of making hissing noises when alarmed or threatened. Like, right after a bad display against Sevilla. Ain’t that right, dear Edin?

Check these Underpants. EA Sports would really be on the verge of a lawsuit now.

Carles Parrish. Sean Connery, you again? Well, he may be a twin brother of Bruno, no? But a better version, like Arnie compared with Danny DeVito.

Justin The Flying Dutchman. On the wings. Or out the door.

Nikola Kaliningrad. Roma’s Russian Roulette option from the bench. It can turn out very good or very bad.

Trainer

Paulo Frownseca. Yeah he does that sometimes.